It's Time For A Change

O no...here comes the rant again...haha o well...what are blogs for if not to rant and rave about the little things in life right?!

So since I have last written, my dog has had 10 puppies and they have grown up and we have given them all away but two. So I now have two dogs and a cat and my roommate has two dogs and a cat. This had caused some very creative ways of keeping the house clean. Basically we don't

And by the time I get home from work the last thing i wanna do is clean. But Ive been doing it. She hasnt. Now that school has started she has something to do three days a week, but before then she didnt do shit during the day...

And i have been paying for everything and handling everything and just doing everything.. and I am sick and tired of it. I am going to school full time, and working full time.

When we first moved in together I would work and she would clean. I didnt mind paying for things when she was doing that. Bc she was contributing. Now she doesnt do anything, and I do it all. I am going insane. I am tired of cleaning...tired of working..tired of having to pay for everything!

All I wanna be able to do, is come home and work on training my puppy, I dont want to have to spend thirty minutes every day cleaning piss out of my carpet or off the kitchen floor. it gets super old after a while.

my house is a mess, my roommate seems mad at me all the time (and for no reason) and im just soooo tired!!

Im so sick of everything being the same.

I decided today that I am no longer enabling my roommate. She is going to have to start buying her own stuff. And if she can't afford it then she needs to get a job. She says that she has applied everywhere but not the places where she would kill someone. She has a problem with keeping her mouth shut. But that's all part of growing up. Something she obviously hasn't dont yet. Just because you don't live with mommy and daddy anymore doesn't mean you are all grown up. Trust me...I am no where near!!!!

Man I wish I had a crate for my puppy...I really want Hachi to be in the room with me. I hate leaving him downstairs. I feel like he bonds to my roommate more when that happens, but all of my treatments are up here. And after a while I have to go to bed and get some sleep.

God I am tired.

Physically, emotionally, mentally.

And I am lonely.

I had a great time with Kayla the little bit she was here. It definitely wasn't enough. I was in a super huge funk Monday after she left. Life is just way easier with her here. I am going to try and be a little more understanding of her bf. I don't like him, or the way he treats her. but she is happy and thats the important part.

I need more friends here in my city. I have lots of friends, they just seem to not bere here in my city to hang out with. Not that I really have time. In between work and school I am crazy busy.

I'd love to meet a decent guy to, one that ain't too clingy, or needy, or jealous, one that is gorgeous, funny, likes me. haha all the nice guys seem to be super needy, and I just can't handle that right now. I don't have the time for needy. It would be so nice to have someone though. I miss having a boyfriend. I don't miss any of the drama involved, but having that special someone was always nice.

and I want to move on to the next chapter of my life. Get married, have kids. Do all fo that beforeI get too sick not too... I don't want ot miss out on anything.

i dont want to miss out on anything in the phase that I am at either. I am almost twenty one. I should be out celebrating life! I should be going out all the time with a group of friends living and enjoying life, and not taking a single second for granted. ?but I dont have that group of friends anymore. Which absolutely sucks. I miss having a group of friends to go out and do stuff with. That was something that was good about high school. you have your set group of friends.

o well. I think its time for bed for me. I am beat and my eyes keep closing. I got my homework done for today and that I am thankful for!

Monotony

Does anyone else ever have the problem where every day feels like the one before?

Day in and day out its always the exact same routine. It's so tiring and boring.

What happened to my exciting life?! I mean don't get me wrong I absolutely love my life.

I have an amazing job, an amazing house, an even better roommate...Plus all of our children.

But lord have mercy if it isn't all the same day after day after day!

I am getting so bored with my life. It makes me want to do something...different...exciting...thrilling!

Like maybe another tattoo...or get my nose pierced...I dont even know I just want something new!!!

Maybe I'm just getting burned out at work. It has been a bit stressful lately.

And home life with a bunch of animals and tons of messes (which currently cant be helped) is always stressful too.

My health is not where it usually is either.

Money is super tight right now too...which it would be nice if it wasnt so that I could have a little leway to do something that I enjoy.

IDK I guess i am jut burnt out.

How do you even get un burnt out?

I know I used to go buy new clothes or get a new piercing or a new book...but being broke i cant do that.

How do you renew life on a budget?! hahaha

On a happier note, Megan is coming into town this weekend and Kayla is coming next weekend. I can not WAIT to see them both. Esp Kayla. I AM SOOOO EXCITED!

<3

Breathe in and Breath out...

This past week has been crazy. Absolutely crazy.

It started off with last sunday (technically saturday..but didnt check mail till sunday)when I received paperwork from my hospital saying that they were taking my tax return to pay for bills from when I was 8...and i had no idea these bills existed.

Then Kody got engaged and that just didnt bode well.

Then my car decided that it would be fun to break down.

And then Franklin got sick...

And through all of this...my best friend didnt want to really talk to me about it. All I needed was just to vent and talk about all that was going on...and it seemed like she didnt want to hear it...just a bunch of one word responses...and that made me feel really shitty...esp since her boyfriend does not like me...im super worried that he is gonna influence her to not talk to me anymore...and i dont want that. I mean ... I know her life is super busy ... but we used to talk about everything and now we arent...i guess thats how long distance friendships go? idk ive just felt super lonely this week... (and i know your gonna read this kayla...i sent you a letter about it...im super tired of texting...and i know you are too...and that might be the problem. neither of us have time for long phone conversations... :/ )

With a lot of the people I hang out with...its like i cant ever talk talk about myself. it always has to go back to them. and sometimes I just wanna talk about me.

I wanna talk about whats going on in my life. Things with boys...or how im feeling about the weather...or how im feeling in general. So I guess you people on my blog will be my venting people.

First off...im not sleeping well. I have no been sleeping well for a while now...but this week has been especially bad. My mood is starting to get really bad...my appetite is gone...its just not good. i seem to have no problem getting to sleep (right now) but staying asleep and feeling rested are a different story...i feel so super tired all the freakin time. its like...the worst thing ever.

And not sleeping well is making me want to kill certain people. Like Eddy. This boy is driving me insane.

His (pretty much) best friend is now dating my roommate...so its like a me, Jonathan, Ramon, and Kristen thing all over again...anyway...the other night we had this whole...where is this relationship going talk...and we didnt decide anything b.c i fell asleep (he decided to bring it up at 1 o clock in the morning after i had already been asleep...bad timing...and it was in person...but i was not sleeping with him...i had fallen asleep at the kitchen table...we had all had a big meal...the 4 of us) but i had thought that i had made it perfectly clear that I did not want a relationship and that I wanted to focus more on being friends. but I do not think that that went through his brain. Though I definitely do not act that interested...he still does things like kiss me or rub my leg things like that...even though i make it obvious i dont want him doing that...i dont think he is too bright? or maybe is worried about it being awkward with lauren and aaron if we were just friends. idk i think it would be more awkward if we tried to date. esp since he is getting on my nerves.

but last night! omg...i wasnt feeling good and had gotten like no sleep the night before...he had taken me home from trivia (my cars still in the shop...OMG talk about stressful) and when we got hom aaron was trashed so they pretty much went straight to bed when we got home. well laurens room is a loft...so you can hear what goes in in the living room. needless to say ... I wanted to go to bed. But Eddy would not leave.... he was making awkward comments to them two while things were going on... and im sitting at the table telling him that I want to go to bed...that im not feeling well...please leave. and he would not leave. it was like he wanted to listen to them two ... or sit on the couch awkwardly... i guess i could have just gone to bed...but that seemed really weird. idk...than he came over to the table (i wouldnt go sit on the couch with him) and just stared at me...come on dude...thats creepy. then he started saying that i should go to bed...then leave and let me!!! god...

and i want to be friends with this guy...but he is starting to drive me insane. the four of us have a lot of fun as a group...but its just not a good thing for me and him to be dating. i am no where near any place in my life for a serious relationship and that is what he is looking for. he has no other choice. he has a son that is 10 years old. thats half my age. im closer to his sons age than to his. its really weird.

so thats that....

and then... my dad.

He has been extremely helpful when it comes to my car not working this past week...picking me up and taking me to work. But every time I see him we have the same conversation...hows school...when are you going to make more money...is your mom going to help you out at all.

I mean come on...it should not matter to him if my mom is going to help me or not. just like it shouldnt matter to her. but to them...its a competition. and it drives me insane...if i need help with something...than it should not matter if one parent is gonna help me more than the other...your focus should just be on helping me!!! and while i am completely grateful for the help that they have given me...its sooo stressful for there to be competitions every time ... and its like there is no other way for my dad.

Moms gotten a lot better at not doing it.

My mom. She has been completely awesome!!! I got to see her on Saturday night...and on Sunday. and Tuesday =) She has been a great source of stress relief for me this weekend. I love her oobers much. And I know that we have our problems and are still working on them...but I feel like we are doing really well.

I miss my sisters =( It seems like we never hear from Nicole anymore... I found out that my BIL is going to Africa from my dad...which is super weird. And Della and I try to talk at least once every other day. I miss those two. I wish I had time to go see them...but I've got to work. Gotta work to make money to pay the bills. lol

So I think that that is the gist of whats been driving me nuts lately...Im sure after I post this Ill find other things. lol

Thanks for listening anonymouse people of the internet = )

Screw people.

Back in 2009 i get really sick and decided that it would be better for my health if i quit my job and focused on my health and finishing school.

During that I applied for disability.

I was told that I had too much money in the back and was told that I needed to spend it and save the receipts showing that I spent it (was not allowed to just take it out of the bank)

Did that...and still denied. I was told that I was too healthy.

What the hell.

I have Cystic Fibrosis.

Last I checked there was no cure and that its gonna kill me.

So basically what the government is telling us is that people who dont need it can get it but the people that actualy need it are either denied or have to go through so much shit to get it.

Today (technically yesterday) I received a letter from my hospital saying that because of outstanding bills the NCDOR has taken my state tax return and given it to UNC to pay off my debt to them.

Woah.

What debt!?

I have paid for everything that my insurance didnt cover...

I should not have had any debt.

Looking over the description of the bills...

1rst account - yr 2000
2nd- 2005
3rd-2009
4th- 2009
5th- 2009

so the bills that they took my money for were from 3-12 years ago.

How can this be rigth?!?! no one ever told me that I had any bills.

I had not received any notices.

Why is our government allowed to just take my hard earned money and place it towards bills that are from ages ago?!?!? I wasnt even 18 at the time of the bills!!!

If someone had even told me about these bills I would have paid them. but no. they decided that it would be way more fun to be all like... SURPRISE you dont get your money! haha stupid bitch...think she can get her money.

omg.

can someone please tell me that this is not our government.

that this is not my hospital.

And whats worse is that there is probably nothing that I can do about it.

Im never going to see that money. Money that I had to pay for. Sounds crazy...but state taxes arent free to get done.

This is so fuckin stupid.

I am so upset over this. How is this fair?!?! I am a good citizen...I pay my bills on time. I pay all of my shit to UNC. They should have just called me or sent me a bill for these.

But you know what?!? They knew that I would fight them b.c of how old they are. maybe not the 2009 ones...but the ones from 2005 and 2000? yeah those should not be there. and why they hell would they not send me bills?!?! they send me my co pays and all the other ones all the time. they repeat and repeat and repeat until I pay them...

I just dont understand.

Why does this have to happen to me?!

I mean sure its just money and in the long run it aint that important...but what other bills are they going to make up later on down the road and screw with me again?!?!

How can I trust my hosiptal?!? The place that takes care of me...

All I know is that if this doesnt get fixed im switching hospitals. I dont want to...but if they are going to continuously fuck me over... I want nothing to do with UNC.

UGH

I really hate this...

All I seriously want to do is cry...cuddle...and cry.

I dont understand people.

I just dont get people.

Why do so many people think that they have to hurt others all the time!?

The lady that I used to call my step mom loves to do everything in her power to tear me down and see that im hurt.

All because I have a relationship with my father. Though the more he chooses her and not defending me to her and stuff the less of a relationship that we are going to have.

Im sick of this drama.

Its part of the reason I moved out.

I just cant comprehend the amount of hatred that a person must have to be able to say things that hurt people. I seriously just dont get it.

Ive never done a thing to her but try and have a relationship with my dad which is obviously not gonna work out.

Its super depressing.

I wish I could comprehend any little bit of what goes on through her head. Just to understand why she hates me so much for being my dads daughter.

Why am I the only one that gets attacked?!?!

Why does my dad not ever stand up for me? its always just ignore her. that never works.

Idk i just dont get it.

I dont want this drama. I dont know why anyone would.

Why would he?!?!

He is not a bad guy. He is a little messed up, but he isnt ugly...idk why he feels he has to settle with this crazy bitch. probably b.c she would kill him if he ever fully broke up with her.

people can just be so cruel. and so selfish.

its soooo stupid.

Tired of Fighting.

I had my CF appointment today.

And over all it went very well. My lung functions are up, my weights good, and I'm healthy. Quite proud of myself actually.

But despite all this good news, I still feel bad. My lungs hurt. In various places at various times. I have this horrible cough, and I dont get any sort of good night sleep.

But im healthy.

I dont feel healthy.

My dad and I were talking about it today.

Cfers usually start deteriorating in their 20's. And this cough and these lungs pains could be the new norm for me. That scares the shit out of me.

These pains hurt. My lungs hurt. It hurts to breathe. And that makes me not want to breathe, not want to keep fighting.

I have 40 year old lungs. Im only 20. how much longer are they gonna be able to hold on?!? And im young.

God I am soooo young.

Im scared.

Honestly today I just feel super scared.

I dont want to keep fighting this disease. It hurts!

I have an amazing life and I dont want to stop living it...but sometimes it hurts to smile, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to cover up how im feeling inside.

I just am so tired.

And it really feels like I have no one to talk to about this right now. All I wanna do is cry...

I really just want someone to hold me and say that its all gonna be ok...

A friend of mine that Im getting to know (dating in a way) said that if I were dying it would be sad b.c then we couldnt get to know each other anymore.

Idk why but that bothered me. There would be more sad reasons than that...and it sucks to even think about the fact that I am dying...b.c in all reality...i am! My life is halfway over (if CF is what kills me that is) I seriously have 40 year old lungs. (basically my lungs are 20 they just have to work double the normal amount to keep me healthy and living, same with the rest of my organs)

No one seems to understand this...

ugh.

its hard to explain it to my new friends. they dont know anything about it...just that i have it.

ugh.

i just want to cry so badly right now...and to have someone hold me and to tell me that they love me even though I have this god awful disease...even if it means i die before we have a chance to really live.

Gotta love that first love...

So ive started dating this guy...i mean...i guess you could call it dating.

We've gone out a couple of times in the past week.

anyway...idk how i feel about him.

all i can think about when im with him is kody. and with my last boyfriend i didnt have this problem, sure I would think about him every once in a while...but not every single time like this. I mean quite literally...even when kissing him all i can think about is kody.

and im starting to think that id rather be with kody than I would with eddy...

which is really odd.

there just seems to be no spark there.

he told me that he liked me tonight, but thats the first ive heard.

the only compliments he has ever given me is that i have a great ass...and im a good kissser.

sure they are great compliments (must admit, im quite proud of the good kisser one) but what about things like, your beautiful, and you have great eyes, or an amazing smile, or a great laugh?!?

honestly when im with him i feel like im young (i guess i should...since he is 14 years my senior). and not like..."o he makes me feel young again" no... like...im back in high school naive and innocent and laughing at so many stupid things.

and im guessing thats not a good thing.

i mean...i know dating is supposed to be getting to know each other...but i feel like we arent. i feel like i know nothing about him.

and I dont want to just be a warm body to him ya know? because im not going to be sleeping with him. and idk...im scared thats all he wants.

im scared of getting hurt.

all i can think about is how much i got hurt...and how i can never let that happen again...or at least to hold off until someone is worth it. and idk...

i just dont think he is worth it.

and what sucks is that he is in my group of friends. I hate that. I did not want to get romantically involved with a friend in our group...why?!? b.c that shit gets awkward. and i need friends more than I need a freakin relationship.

all i want...is to get married and have kids. to be loved and to be challenged...and to be accepted...for just it all to fit.

idk what to do.

this could all just be because im hesitant to get hurt again.

who knows maybe he could be the only one for me!

he sure is the only person that has seemed to notice that im a female lately...

ugh.

i hate this.

I need an arranged marriage.

no i dont. i know id hate that. hahaha

bleh.

I hate kody.

I didnt realize how much until last night. I was talking with my friend (a different guy friend) about love and he was like...yeah its awesome...and i was like...yeah until they use you and take advantage of your innocence and say they never loved you and cut your heart open again and again and again...

and then i cried.

i mean seriously...its been what...2 years since we finished?

when is it gonna end?!?!

i dont want to hate him.

i dont want to remember him

i just want him and everything about him to be gone. all gone. gone gone gone gone GONE!!!!!

but its not. and i cant forget. and i cant forgive him.

i gave him the most important things to me. and he threw it straight back in my face.

how am i supposed to ever give someone my heart again?!?

how in the world am i supposed to trust anyone ever again?

i feel like im only wanted now for sex...and thats not what I want. I want more than that.

but if im uncapapble of loving someone...how can i expect someone to love me?

my 2 k's

I MISS MY BEST FRIENDS


Best Friend #1:

o my goodness I cant believe how much I miss her. Today I spend the day with her mom.

Her mom has disabilities and could not drive to her appointment on her own so I took the day off and drove her. It was a lot of fun, I almost started crying when I walked in her house. OMG it looks so different. Her mom has completely cleaned out her house. it looks super different, but totally in a good way. not as much clutter. but omg do I miss going over there and hanging out with my that girl.

Things have been so different since she moved. Its been almost a year. its so crazy to think that she has been gone that long.

Ive made some great friends since then, but no one can replace my best friend.

We are soo alike, its so weird not having her right down the street, or just a phone call away...Im super happy for her, and the life she is making for herself. but i miss her!!!!!

Im so super glad to call her my best friend. idk what I would do without her.

Best Friend #2

I sometimes wonder if she doesnt like me anymore b.c of how close I am with Kayla. I try not to read into the things she says on fb...or the things she does, but its soooo hard.

She was my ultimate best friend in high school and we helped each other through soooo much!! I was there for her when all the stuff with her brother was going down, and she was with me with all of my grandparent problems and with everything else that went down.

We would spend every weekend at her house. (I didnt like being at mine)

We would watch One Tree Hill and just talk. It was such fun. I was so close to her and to her family. They were my second family.

And all of a sudden she doesnt like me anymore. Says that she just needs to figure out her life and until then she could use some time from me.

I know that it probably has something to do with the fact that she is dating my ex boyfriends best friend. But that doesnt bother me...but it might bother her. idk. i just dont understand it at all.

I miss her though

I miss the times that the three of us would have together. I miss just our little group, and the way we were all at easy with each other.

I know that Ive made some great friends now.

Erika and I have never been closer. She is definitely one of my best friends. And Megan is the greatest ever! One of my best friends to.

These four girls are the girls that I would turn to for anything.

And it hurts that I might have done something to turn one of them away from me.

I have so much good in my life now, that I know that I dont need the stress and the drama of a relationship like this one...but it still hurts ya know?

o well.

anyway...

I had a great day today =)

had fun with the bestys mom...then had a great date with Eddy...and its not time for bed!!

Good night my loves =)

True Friends

Wow! I am soooo blessed to have amazing friends in my life.

A fellow cyster of mine has been having friend problems...pretty much the people that she was considering to be her friends are not continuing to be her friends b.c she is getting sick and having to be in the hospital so she is unable to hang out.

I absolutely hate people that do that. They are obviously people that arent worth anything and should be shot.

ok maybe not that extreme but it pisses me off.

one of the excuses kody used to end our relationship was that he couldnt be in the navy and have a wife that has cf. coward.

they are all cowards.

having cf does not mean that we are any less capable of having friends, or not wanting friends.

we want friends

we want people that are going to hang out with us when we are sick or not...when we feel great...or when we feel bad. We want friends that are going to look past the cf and see us for who we are!

i do not understand what is so hard about that.

cf is not who we are.

I am so blessed to have such amazing friends.

first of all...is my best friend. We have been friends since high school but got super close after. And she knows everything about me...its hard now since she now lives FAR AWAY ... but i still love her and cant wait till im not broke and can go visit her. but every time i have a problem with cf or am not feel well...she does everything she can to understand...and i know its not always easy for her.

and then there are my new friends.

I started hanging out with these people last september, so yeah a bit of time but not really that long. they know that i have cf but they only know what ive told them or if they ask any questions. but man...are they awesome. last night i was not feeling good , having trouble breathing, and they just accepted that and told me that if i needed anything to not hesitate to call.

these people have had the easiest lives possible...and they are still ok with hanging out with diseased and damaged me. how could i have gotten so lucky?!?!

some people are just ignorant and stupid.

and i hate that my friend is having to go through this. We all need friends. I just wish there was a way that I could help her out besides talking over the internet.

hurrying life along...

I do this a whole lot...

but why do we, as humans, try to hurry life along?

we only have one life...and we never know when its gonna end...

why do we always push for tomorrow...or the next day...or month...or year?

why cant we just be happy with today!

I was talking with my best friend today and all we wanted to be was 21.

Sure it will have its advantages...legally able to drink...get into places we couldnt before...technically be adults (though im more of an adult than some of my over 21 friends) rent a car...

but will we really be any happier then?!?!

what if we were to just enjoy today?

that sure is what i try to do. live my life day to day, and to just enjoy everything that happened today!

im tired of the rush, of the push for more, to be better...to have the best. i just want to be happy!

Cf has taught me that.

With all of my fibros and cyster getting sick, it worries me. And lately ive been freaking out about diabetes lately too...

but why?

none of us know the day or the hour of when we will die...so you have to live your life.

thats why its been bothering me that ive been in a blah mood lately. happy but not fulfilled maybe? just sort of on edge...and i cant figure out why.

i have absolutely no reason to be stressed (besides some minimal financial problems), i have an amazing job, an amazing family, the best of friends, so why am i so stressed??!

Ive even been going to church...

idk...i just dont get it.

i dont want to rush my life...but im tired of living check to check...tired of being lonely...

i feel so much older than 20...

i enjoy my life.

hell i love my life!

maybe i just need to continue to enjoy the little things, and the big things will come??

advice would be appreciated!!!

4 am

How is it that I seem to be always broke?!?!

ugh.

For the 4th day in a row I am up again at an insane hour for no apparent reason. I have not been sleeping good and it is really starting to wear on me.

I am doing my vest...again...

I am so tired.

I worked 80.30 hours last week...and my pay check was a lot lower than I thought it was going to be...and its frustrating...looking at my bank account it looks like things that should have gone through like...days ago...went through yesterday which makes my pay check look smaller than it was...

because actually I got paid what i thought...things are just weird and confusing. if I didnt have rent and bills id be rolling in it. maybe i shouldnt have moved out...but the thought of going back home and living with dad is a whole lot worse than being broke and have no money.

Idk I guess im just worrying too much.

Im not saving as much as I'd like...and that makes me think of getting a second job and just working nights/weekends. Not b.c im in the red...it would just be nice to have a little bit extra cash in my bank account and in my wallet.

Im not sure if physically I could handle it...but maybe I should give it a try...im sure there are plenty of restaurants that are hiring.

Ive been doing a lot of thinking about the retreat with Nicole lately...and its got me rethinking some decisions that I was going to make. Which includes hanging out with certain people, and doing certain things. Which is a good thing...

I've decided that Im going to follow what Im learning about at church and not be on the wrong side of the bed, so to speak.

Right now, being single, its going to be super easy. I think...haha

Gods beginning to get to me I think...

Rawr. I hate being awake right now! I hate not knowing why im awake.

haha life is so crazy. i love it =)

so yesterday my roommate and I spent the day in the er. She was having an extreme bladder infection and was like...dying (not really but she was in a lot of pain) so we went to the er on post.

lord have mercy that place was crazy. I , of course, was wearing a mask (dont want their germs mixing with my cf, bad guju there) and people were so surprised to see that she was the patient and not me. that part was quite entertaining.

it took forever to get back to a room though...and once we did get a room we must have sat there for like an hour before we were finally saw by a nurse...and then another hour before a doctor finally came in.

so anyway, when the nurse came in, I asked her if it was ok if we closed the door (she has left it open for some reason) b.c i was tired of wearing my mask and with the door closed i could take it off. She went all stir crazy. She was like...if you have cf you shouldnt even be in the hospital with or without a mask. its so much safer and blah blah blah. I literally was like "im perfectly fine with a mask on, and im not gonna wait five hours our in my car when my friend is sick"

i understand that I have a lung disease and that germs are bad...but i know how to keep myself safe in a hospital...or out in the real world. I dont need to be coddled like a baby.

Germs are there whether in the hospital or at home. cant avoid them so im not gonna let them beat me.

but man...i was so exhausted yesterday...i had spent most of the night tossing and turning. after work i just went home and took a bath...best thing ever!! let me tell you...

ive been so lonely lately...but instead of turning to guys ive been enjoying it. I mean not really enjoying it...but embracing it. I know that I have lots to figure out before I can be in a decent relationship. or at least a relationship thats not destructive.

I think thats a step in the right direction. =)

grieving

Does anyone ever feel like they have to grieve for past lives, or past relationships, not just someone that died?

I feel like that today.

My best friend from high school does not want to be my friend anymore, or thats what it feels like. She says that she has been trying to sort through some things in her life and thats why she has been distant from me. I dont know what that means, but Im feeling like its not good. So I just told her that i dont really believe thats it but im always gonna be here and that i miss her and that whenever she is ready to tell me the truth im a big girl and can take it and will leave her alone until then, and her response was thank you.

so obviously she does not want me to be involved in anything in her life.

i just dont understand what happened.

I mean i get the logistics of what happened with me and my ex and her and her boyfriend.

(she started dating my most recent exs best friend...and then drama was created and nothings been the same, though we had "worked" it out)

after the big blow out though I thought we had worked it out. I had at least said everything that I needed to say.

It just sucks...

I feel like healing from this is gonna take a while...

i miss my her...

So much grieving...

I know that I have to grieve and let it go...just like I have to with the past stuff with kody..

im just tired of it.

I liked my life when it was just happy, when i didnt have to think about kody stuff or kristen or just life in general.



Im feeling a little overwhelmed tonight...

he is just a kitten...he is just a kitten...

ugh...so i have no idea how to teach a kitten yes...and no...

today has just been a bad day.

woke up extremely exhausted, and as i was getting ready for school i realize that franklin has peed all over my school uniform and a bunch of my pillows...

so a few hours later after showering a couple of times doing a crap load of laundry and throwing out my pillows...my day begins.

it should have begun with me going to school...but that went down the drain once i smelled cat pee.

ugh.

i dont understand.

i know im not home as much as i should be, and that he probably just misses me...but i dont know what ot do! i have to go to work...and when i am home he doesnt like to spend too much time with me

he is always playing with rags (laurens dog) and lauren is always home so idk what his deal is.

i know he is just a kitten... but UGH!!!

whats worse is when i come home and he escapes. he seems to think its fun..

but today instead of running towards the cars he ran towards the road...and that made me freak out. so when i got him needless to say he got some beatings and was carried in a not nice way... and yelled at with lots of not nice words...

i dont know how to teach him that that is bad, and that other things are bad as well.

i think its like a phase for him...like ya know the terrible twos?!? except this is like he terrible 6 month...

and i dont want to keep hitting him b.c that just seems so cruel...it makes me wanna cry every time.

but i am just sooooo tired...all i wanna do is lay down and go to sleep.

its just been a super long day...

CFRD

SOOOO i am extremely scared of getting cystic fibrosis related diabetes...

my sisters both got it the year they turned 21... and guess what year that is for me

2012 =)

how exciting...bleh. im freaking out.

especially since i know the signs so im watching out for them. and that might just mean that im freaking out over everything that could be wrong.

like this morning...

i exercised...than ate some special k. and felt suuuuupppppeeeerrrr weird. like i still feel weird...

pretty much just weak. like my sugar is super low or something. idk.

it just worries me...

im taking all precautions though.

im eating right...exercising...not drinking as much...

getting rest.

who knows...im just worried...i dont want it.

Getting my Jesus on

Whoo hoo I went to church today, and I did not spontaneously combust or get struck by lightnight. go figure?! haha

and im gonna keep going. =)

So every since I promised mom that I would go to church I've been doing a lot of thinking about why I stopped and how to get over it.

Church (I guess Jesus) has always been a part of my life, and not living with it this past year and a half has been different, not bad, just different.

I've always hoped that I would be able to get over what happened and get back to church, though I know that my faith in God will never be the same. And I dont want it to be. The way my faith was way back when was for the person I was then. I am not that girl anymore.

I know that I have come a long way.

I used to blame God and hate him for all that happened, though now I know that its not his fault, its more mine. I know that God is real and I know that he loves me.

There is so much that I feel that I have to relearn, and so much that I feel that I cant believe.

Anyway, the other day my sister sent me an email about a retreat that she is doing with her middle school youth group at church, about purity. And she asked if I would tell my story.

My first thought was pretty much along the lines of hell no. but thinking more about it...I realized how I felt after everything happened, and how much I dont want other girls to go through that...

But anyway, I told her id think about it.

Well todays topic at church was exactly what she was asking me to talk to her kids about. So obviously a sign. I felt like a big DUH, like this is something that God wants me to do. Which is weird, I never felt that way before, besides my current job I've never been so sure about doing something or knowing that this is what im supposed to be doing

(which the feeling is absolutely amazing btw)

so afterwards I give my sissy a ringaling and we talk more about it.

I know that this journey back to my past is not gonna be easy, for a bunch of reason.

1. im going to not only have to relive all that happened with me and kody, but im gonna have to share it.
2. its going to bring up a lot of hurt...and not just with how i felt about kody, but with all the stuff that happened with my family, with my church, and with my friends.
3. i know im going to learn a lot about myself
4. God is going to use this to change me, im sure.

I dont know if im fully ready to do this.

I know its what I need to do though. So only good can come of this.

I am almost 100% positive that this is what I need to do , not only to forgive myself for what happened, but to forgive kody, and to forgive God.

Though I know that I know longer blame him, I still feel like he deserted me as well as everyone else. but thats another story I guess.

I was gonna use the blog as a journally thing for it ( I need to start journalling and reading my bible so that I can prepare myself for this, dont want to lead young girls in wrong directions) but there will just be too much personal information for me to do that.

I just wanted to tell some one.

None of my friends are church goers...or even really that into Jesus...so getting back to church will definitely be a struggle. Im not gonna be a hypocrit. Or anywhere near a bible thumper. Ive always believed that actions speak louder than words, so ill be doing my best to live it...or probably not tell people. idk.

im really hesitant still about church. but I feel like this is a good step in the right direction. Whatever that may be.

i am excited about this retreat. I might even be able to go up to Maine to personally be there for these girls, which would be awesome b.c then id get to see my sister. but even if i cant computer technology is amazing.

Im super nervous.

a beacon of estrogen

A typical day in my life:

Wake up, usually to my MALE cat shoving his nose under my head...do treatments...exercise..do more treatments..shower...get ready for work...head to work...

I get to work...and i do my stuff...say hi to my MALE bosses...

call a few people (usually all MALE)

post MAN comes in and gives us our mail.

ups arrives...MALE delivery guy.

customers! MALE...customers...

finally...students...MALE students...

take some repairs down to our MALE technicians.

i live in a sea of testosterone...constantly being ignored b.c im female. always having to introduce my self and assert myself as an important member of this business. Stand up for myself and prove myself constantly. Show that I do know what i am talking about at my job, and can do it just as well and sometimes better than my MALE bosses....

Than I come home...to my amazing beacon of estrogen...my awesome roommate =) yay for female roommates!!!! haha

but honestly...i wouldnt have it any other way =)

its so much fun proving to people that i am good at my job and a trustworthy person to talk to about my field.

I am extremely blessed to have been given this job and the opportunity to turn it in to a career. My career field!!

as im proving myself to other people it makes me feel soooooo good about myself. im constantly reminding myself that I am doing the job that I want to be doing for the rest of my life! its suuch an amazing feeling!

God and I might not be on the best of terms...but I thank him everyday for my little sea of testosterone, b.c i am definitely blessed!!! = )

and speaking of estrogen, I got to hang out with my sister for a short period of time today/last night. it was soooo great to see her!! I definitely miss having my sisters super close to me.

and speaking of testosterone my neighbors are douche bags. they are about my age but act...well i guess like people my age...but i usually dont hang out with people my own age b.c they act stupid and immature... and it bothers me. haha i guess im an old soul but i think its stupid to do perverted jokes to make my cleavage pop out...or to make fun off my ass b.c i have one. i mean seriously!??! boys...so dumb.

hope everyone had a great day =)

today was just a blah day

I feel like I should be writing something but cant really think of how to put my thoughts and feelings into words.

Found out an amazing person died today. A teacher from my high school was killed in a car accident. The other person hit her right on the drivers side, the dude ran a red light. It really sucked to hear. She was an amazing teacher, and an overall amazing person.

I also had to say goodbye to one of my best friends. She is moving to Virginia to live with her boyfriend, who is an amazing person, Im just gonna miss that girl. But I hope to see her in May. She said we can stay at their place when we go to pittsburgh, and wants to join us, she is a huge steelers fan too. And has family in pittsburgh.

Today was just blah...

I have been struggling wit

I've been feeling lonely lately. Im not sure if its because I want a boyfriend, or am just tired of being alone.

Boyfriends cause way too much drama, and way too much stress, and way too much pain. Its so much easier being single than in a relationship.

I think I just miss that feeling of being important to someone, and feeling special. Its so hard to get those feelings from friends or my bosses. I know that my friends and family love me...but I guess its just different.

Im going to church on sunday...i feel like i might get struck by lightning. haha

i know that I need to forgive the people at snyder and God for what happened last year, guess this is a first step.

leggo...

yeah...im breaking down Disney!

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly

Just a little change
Small, to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise
Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong

Certain as the sun
Rising in the East
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast


The other day I watched Beauty and the Beast with a good girl friend of mine. Her boyfriend just left for basic and she has been having a hard time. But man, Im glad we went and watched it. Its such an awesome movie. Though I am really glad that they created the other Beauty and the Beast, makes me feel better about how quickly they fell in love and got married, but anyway.

So this song has been stuck in my head for a while, and I couldnt remember all the lyrics so i looked them up. As I was reading them it made me think of Kody and any future guy that I may have in my life.

Falling in love is not an easy thing to do. And I've been very weary about it since Kody ( first loves die hard ). I know that when the right guy comes along I'll hopefully know it and can take that step, but he just hasnt come around yet...or I dont think he has.

But what the lyrics are saying is true. Love has always been around (Tale as old as time), its something that I think keeps us humans from killing each other. Loving is just an exaggerated form of liking, and you generally dont hang around people that you hate (though I know someone that does...he is really weird though. but I like him as a friend so in some way...love! haha).

Love is true, its just us humans that make the untruths that lead us to stop loving or to stop trusting. Loving someone you have to start out as friends, whether its barely or been friends for a long time. No one just falls in love at first sight ( i dont believe in it at least ) you have to take time to get to know someone at least a little bit.

Like with Belle, there is no way she fell in love with the beast the first time she saw him. He had taken her father captive and he was kind of SUPER hairy. But then something changed.

Now I havent quite decided if I believe that the beast really loved Belle. She was the only female to grace their presence in a long time and he needed her to break the spell,but its a Disney movie so lets just say he did.

He started to change. He knew that his temper was never gonna get him anywhere, he used to be an extremely selfish brat, that had never loved anyone but himself. So he (not necessarily changed) but started to make the effort to real in his temper and just be himself.

Falling in love is generally scary, hence why they both were scared. Though it may have been because he was scared that he was gonna look like that for the rest of his life and she was scared because she was being held prisoner by this really ugly scary beast and a bunch of appliances that talk. Im being really cynical. haha

Bittersweet and strange (yes im skipping around) is definitely true. Bittersweet because you lose apart of your self when you fall in love. You have to give yourself to the person (not necessarily physically), you give them a piece of your heart, yeah that sounds better. lol And its definitely strange. All of a sudden your living for them too. You have someone else to think about besides yourself. And if you are an extremely independent or selfish person, its not the easiest thing to do.

Idk if I agree about finding you can change, I have been feeling a lot lately that if I have to change who I am for a guy then he is not worth it. I mean in the movie I can see where that would fit. Beast had extreme temper problems. And there is no way that any girl would fall in love with that, ok thats not true. He was an awesome person besides the temper problems, he just needed to learn to control them which I guess counts as changing but I feel like thats more learning.

Anyway...I dont know why Im criticing (sp) all of this. haha Ive been really lonely lately and finding that special someone has been on my mind a lot. I kind of feel like the beast before belle, all alone with no prospects but my crazy friends around me, except my friends are talking appliances.

Though being lonely and thinking this way is kind of motivating me. I am learning to live with myself and find things to do without being in a relationship. I guess learning to stand on my own two feet, and enjoy alone time. Its definitely not my favorite thing, but Im getting all my homework done and im exercising.

Exercising! whoo hoo! that will help me to feel better about myself and feel more confident in the way that I look. Though I do o so love the way that I look, there are just some things I dont like, but hey...no ones perfect...even though everyone expects us to be. haha

this blog took a weird turn. back to beauty and the beast!

Its such a sweet love story. All the disney princess stories are. The little mermaid is still my favorite though. Though I can connect a bit with Belle. She was considered "odd" because she always had her nose stuck in a book. Well thats definitely me! But I can agree that by my own standards im a pretty odd person, but i think i am very fall in love type...like someone would love me? idk if that made any sense.

ok im starting to ramble. better get of my lazy bum bum and get moving for the day.



=)

Why me?!?

It doesnt matter how long of a time its been since everything ended with me and kody, this is hard.

Seeing that douche surrounded by the people that I grew up with...that have known me since I was a child, that taught me about Jesus and love and living my life the way God wants me to. I can name all the people that are surrounding him and their wives, some of them their children. In the church that I grew up in!! I remember when that building that they are in was built!!! I remember before Giles was there...when Sandy Saunders was preaching what they used to call the old way in the chapel. My mom got married there. My sister got married there! I have so many good memories there. I can never go back.

And knowing that when things went south with me and kody, they followed him. They treated me like I was a slut, ignored me in my times of need, rejected my questions about God and Christianity and just made me feel like a complete and total failure about life.

These people, who taught me everything that I knew about God, and everything that I had believed, just people that taught me how to live! they rejected me. for this asshole. who is the biggest hypocrit i have ever...EVER met. And im supposed to just move on with my life and go straight back to loving Jesus and trusting people and commit to a relationship with another person that is just gonna screw me over again!?!?!

Hell no.


Guess I'm still angry over everything still.

Sigh. Life goes on. And I know that I have a great life now. I love it actually. I just miss having someone that loves me and that i love.

It is just so not fair. Why does he get to be surrounded by the people that I love and the place that I grew up in and love, and I have to deal with my doubts and my insecurities about that place and everyone that is there?!?

blah.

Moving out was definitely an adventure. One that I felt was not going to be as hard as it seems to be.

Idk. I mean I love my roommate, I've known her for a long time (we went to high school together) and I wasnt worried about us getting along.

And we are getting along fine. But I spend all day working, and she doesnt have a job so she sits at home and watches tv or goes on the computer and does who the hell knows all day.

Eats all the food, doesnt do any dishes, doesnt clean anything, and it drives me nuts! I work all day come home, put dishes away, clean the dishes, clean the kitchen, and do all sorts of cleaning stuff that I dont want to do. Im sick of it.

I guess its all apart of growing up. Ive learned Im a neat freak. I like to keep my house clean. Especially since Im paying hard earned money for it. And I don't like to spend money but I never seem to have any.

Now isnt that a huge conundrum. I dont like to spend money, but yet I always seem to be spending it. Its like there is always shit that needs to be bought. I avoid going out to eat b.c I dont want to spend money, but yet...I cant seem to save any anyways. Whether its car stuff or gas or just general things. Im going nuts!

I hate growing up sometimes.

And all this makes me feel lonely. I have no idea why...but it does. Im sick of being lonely.

And then there is the decision of just sticking with my classes (culinary) or going ahead and dropping them and working until I can get into the business program. If I drop them soon I wont have to repay anything, which is a good thing, but do I really want to drop them? I don't want to go to school at all. I feel like I am learning so much at work, and what I m learning is what I want to do for the rest of my life, so why waste time doing culinary?

ugh. i hate it when I just feel like crying for stupid things. Makes me think of the statement, that there is no use crying over spilt milk. But its definitely true, and yet its what I want to do.

and I miss my car...I cant wait to have it back on monday.

o yeah...and then there is my dad. Its like me moving out made me not his daughter anymore, or put us back in our relationship to where we were when there was all that custody battles and before we lived together. I mean really dad? Just b.c i moved out doesnt mean i dont need you to act like you love me still. I guess I was expecting more from our relationship than there actually is. We must have this relationship where we can be a dad and daughter only if we live together, and if we dont then we dont really have a relationship. Which super duper sucks.

I guess I just need to continue to take it one day at a time, keep exercising so I feel better about myself, and continue to learn in anyway that I can.

Goodnight everyone

D'Addario it is!

Today was literally one of the best days at work ever!!

If you dont know, I work at a music store here in my city, and I absolutely love it!! Before I started working here I was going to school to be a chef (and i still love cooking) but since starting working here I've found my niche.

I absolutely love the business, I love music, and I love my bosses and all the people I have to come in contact with.

Anywho...my day. So for the past couple of weeks we have been working on becoming dealers of D'Addario products, its an accessories company. And it has been my baby. I've been learning so much about running this business its not even funny, from paying bills, to all the inventory stuff. Its awesome. But back to my baby...

So I did all the work of getting the dealership, I put all our paper work together, I dealt directly with our rep Brandon, placed our first order, and did so much stuff with it.

Today we received our first order! It was so exciting! All of my hard work finally paid off! We got all of our new and shiny accessories plus so much swag! I have a tshirt. I'm so excited! I know its really not that big of a deal, but dude, I did it! I accomplished so much today. It makes me feel really good about myself.

I love my life =)

Im soooo freakin blessed!!!!

and then there is Franklin...

So for the past 4 days I have been battling what I think may have been the flu, thankfully I am finally getting better and it does not seem to have moved into my lungs which is always the biggest worry anytime I get sick. Yay cf. But for some reason its made me feel super lonely. Idk why. I guess b.c I (like most people) like to be taken care of once in a while and I am just hating being single right now. And not only am I single, but Im single with no options. Its like I cant get any guys what so ever! And it really makes me wonder whats going on. Am I really that ugly?!? Or that unapproachable?!? Sometimes I just dont get it. I know I'm not ugly. And even if I was, I am very happy with the way I look, and I dont need someone in my life that doesnt like/love me for the way I look. Its just so freakin hard to find a decent guy. And looking at my life I know I dont need one. My life is GREAT!!! I have the best roommate, an amazing apartment (that is away from all the stress of my family and each one of their craziness). The best job anyone could EVER ask for. I mean seriously, I dont think there is any other job to beat mine. I have the best bosses, and Im steadily learning all about sales and running a business and am excelling in the musical knowledge department, also in the selling department. Im learning so much....and loving every second of it! I have made some amazing friends, though they are older than me, they still seem to be great people and would help me out if I ever needed anything. I have an amazing best friend, and though she lives in Arizona now, I know if I needed her she would do everything in her power to be there for me in any way that I needed... plus, besides this random bout with the flu, my health is great! and then there is Franklin. He is the best cat ever. and I know people (mainly my friends...haha) say that loving this cat makes me a crazy cat lady, but he is truly awesome. He knows just when Im upset and needs some loving...or when i just need his company. he is truly the best cat ever. except for when he decides to try and escape into the great unknown which is actually just the front door. This is the longest I have been single since I started dating. And im guessing that I just need to learn how to be single and to deal with the lonelyness...but im tired of having to deal with it. I feel like thats all Ive been doing. anywho. Im soooo blessed in my life and all that has been going on...even the little stupid stuff like me hitting my roommates car. haha i know that I will meet someone special sometime soon, whether its this month, next , next year or who knows. Im gonna push through it, and enjoy this time with my friends and family. o. and focus on finishing my business degree. bleh. accounting...i am not looking forward to that class!!!! have a great night yall =)