Breathe in and Breath out...

This past week has been crazy. Absolutely crazy.

It started off with last sunday (technically saturday..but didnt check mail till sunday)when I received paperwork from my hospital saying that they were taking my tax return to pay for bills from when I was 8...and i had no idea these bills existed.

Then Kody got engaged and that just didnt bode well.

Then my car decided that it would be fun to break down.

And then Franklin got sick...

And through all of this...my best friend didnt want to really talk to me about it. All I needed was just to vent and talk about all that was going on...and it seemed like she didnt want to hear it...just a bunch of one word responses...and that made me feel really shitty...esp since her boyfriend does not like me...im super worried that he is gonna influence her to not talk to me anymore...and i dont want that. I mean ... I know her life is super busy ... but we used to talk about everything and now we arent...i guess thats how long distance friendships go? idk ive just felt super lonely this week... (and i know your gonna read this kayla...i sent you a letter about it...im super tired of texting...and i know you are too...and that might be the problem. neither of us have time for long phone conversations... :/ )

With a lot of the people I hang out with...its like i cant ever talk talk about myself. it always has to go back to them. and sometimes I just wanna talk about me.

I wanna talk about whats going on in my life. Things with boys...or how im feeling about the weather...or how im feeling in general. So I guess you people on my blog will be my venting people.

First off...im not sleeping well. I have no been sleeping well for a while now...but this week has been especially bad. My mood is starting to get really bad...my appetite is gone...its just not good. i seem to have no problem getting to sleep (right now) but staying asleep and feeling rested are a different story...i feel so super tired all the freakin time. its like...the worst thing ever.

And not sleeping well is making me want to kill certain people. Like Eddy. This boy is driving me insane.

His (pretty much) best friend is now dating my roommate...so its like a me, Jonathan, Ramon, and Kristen thing all over again...anyway...the other night we had this whole...where is this relationship going talk...and we didnt decide anything b.c i fell asleep (he decided to bring it up at 1 o clock in the morning after i had already been asleep...bad timing...and it was in person...but i was not sleeping with him...i had fallen asleep at the kitchen table...we had all had a big meal...the 4 of us) but i had thought that i had made it perfectly clear that I did not want a relationship and that I wanted to focus more on being friends. but I do not think that that went through his brain. Though I definitely do not act that interested...he still does things like kiss me or rub my leg things like that...even though i make it obvious i dont want him doing that...i dont think he is too bright? or maybe is worried about it being awkward with lauren and aaron if we were just friends. idk i think it would be more awkward if we tried to date. esp since he is getting on my nerves.

but last night! omg...i wasnt feeling good and had gotten like no sleep the night before...he had taken me home from trivia (my cars still in the shop...OMG talk about stressful) and when we got hom aaron was trashed so they pretty much went straight to bed when we got home. well laurens room is a loft...so you can hear what goes in in the living room. needless to say ... I wanted to go to bed. But Eddy would not leave.... he was making awkward comments to them two while things were going on... and im sitting at the table telling him that I want to go to bed...that im not feeling well...please leave. and he would not leave. it was like he wanted to listen to them two ... or sit on the couch awkwardly... i guess i could have just gone to bed...but that seemed really weird. idk...than he came over to the table (i wouldnt go sit on the couch with him) and just stared at me...come on dude...thats creepy. then he started saying that i should go to bed...then leave and let me!!! god...

and i want to be friends with this guy...but he is starting to drive me insane. the four of us have a lot of fun as a group...but its just not a good thing for me and him to be dating. i am no where near any place in my life for a serious relationship and that is what he is looking for. he has no other choice. he has a son that is 10 years old. thats half my age. im closer to his sons age than to his. its really weird.

so thats that....

and then... my dad.

He has been extremely helpful when it comes to my car not working this past week...picking me up and taking me to work. But every time I see him we have the same conversation...hows school...when are you going to make more money...is your mom going to help you out at all.

I mean come on...it should not matter to him if my mom is going to help me or not. just like it shouldnt matter to her. but to them...its a competition. and it drives me insane...if i need help with something...than it should not matter if one parent is gonna help me more than the other...your focus should just be on helping me!!! and while i am completely grateful for the help that they have given me...its sooo stressful for there to be competitions every time ... and its like there is no other way for my dad.

Moms gotten a lot better at not doing it.

My mom. She has been completely awesome!!! I got to see her on Saturday night...and on Sunday. and Tuesday =) She has been a great source of stress relief for me this weekend. I love her oobers much. And I know that we have our problems and are still working on them...but I feel like we are doing really well.

I miss my sisters =( It seems like we never hear from Nicole anymore... I found out that my BIL is going to Africa from my dad...which is super weird. And Della and I try to talk at least once every other day. I miss those two. I wish I had time to go see them...but I've got to work. Gotta work to make money to pay the bills. lol

So I think that that is the gist of whats been driving me nuts lately...Im sure after I post this Ill find other things. lol

Thanks for listening anonymouse people of the internet = )