grieving

Does anyone ever feel like they have to grieve for past lives, or past relationships, not just someone that died?

I feel like that today.

My best friend from high school does not want to be my friend anymore, or thats what it feels like. She says that she has been trying to sort through some things in her life and thats why she has been distant from me. I dont know what that means, but Im feeling like its not good. So I just told her that i dont really believe thats it but im always gonna be here and that i miss her and that whenever she is ready to tell me the truth im a big girl and can take it and will leave her alone until then, and her response was thank you.

so obviously she does not want me to be involved in anything in her life.

i just dont understand what happened.

I mean i get the logistics of what happened with me and my ex and her and her boyfriend.

(she started dating my most recent exs best friend...and then drama was created and nothings been the same, though we had "worked" it out)

after the big blow out though I thought we had worked it out. I had at least said everything that I needed to say.

It just sucks...

I feel like healing from this is gonna take a while...

i miss my her...

So much grieving...

I know that I have to grieve and let it go...just like I have to with the past stuff with kody..

im just tired of it.

I liked my life when it was just happy, when i didnt have to think about kody stuff or kristen or just life in general.



Im feeling a little overwhelmed tonight...

he is just a kitten...he is just a kitten...

ugh...so i have no idea how to teach a kitten yes...and no...

today has just been a bad day.

woke up extremely exhausted, and as i was getting ready for school i realize that franklin has peed all over my school uniform and a bunch of my pillows...

so a few hours later after showering a couple of times doing a crap load of laundry and throwing out my pillows...my day begins.

it should have begun with me going to school...but that went down the drain once i smelled cat pee.

ugh.

i dont understand.

i know im not home as much as i should be, and that he probably just misses me...but i dont know what ot do! i have to go to work...and when i am home he doesnt like to spend too much time with me

he is always playing with rags (laurens dog) and lauren is always home so idk what his deal is.

i know he is just a kitten... but UGH!!!

whats worse is when i come home and he escapes. he seems to think its fun..

but today instead of running towards the cars he ran towards the road...and that made me freak out. so when i got him needless to say he got some beatings and was carried in a not nice way... and yelled at with lots of not nice words...

i dont know how to teach him that that is bad, and that other things are bad as well.

i think its like a phase for him...like ya know the terrible twos?!? except this is like he terrible 6 month...

and i dont want to keep hitting him b.c that just seems so cruel...it makes me wanna cry every time.

but i am just sooooo tired...all i wanna do is lay down and go to sleep.

its just been a super long day...

CFRD

SOOOO i am extremely scared of getting cystic fibrosis related diabetes...

my sisters both got it the year they turned 21... and guess what year that is for me

2012 =)

how exciting...bleh. im freaking out.

especially since i know the signs so im watching out for them. and that might just mean that im freaking out over everything that could be wrong.

like this morning...

i exercised...than ate some special k. and felt suuuuupppppeeeerrrr weird. like i still feel weird...

pretty much just weak. like my sugar is super low or something. idk.

it just worries me...

im taking all precautions though.

im eating right...exercising...not drinking as much...

getting rest.

who knows...im just worried...i dont want it.

Getting my Jesus on

Whoo hoo I went to church today, and I did not spontaneously combust or get struck by lightnight. go figure?! haha

and im gonna keep going. =)

So every since I promised mom that I would go to church I've been doing a lot of thinking about why I stopped and how to get over it.

Church (I guess Jesus) has always been a part of my life, and not living with it this past year and a half has been different, not bad, just different.

I've always hoped that I would be able to get over what happened and get back to church, though I know that my faith in God will never be the same. And I dont want it to be. The way my faith was way back when was for the person I was then. I am not that girl anymore.

I know that I have come a long way.

I used to blame God and hate him for all that happened, though now I know that its not his fault, its more mine. I know that God is real and I know that he loves me.

There is so much that I feel that I have to relearn, and so much that I feel that I cant believe.

Anyway, the other day my sister sent me an email about a retreat that she is doing with her middle school youth group at church, about purity. And she asked if I would tell my story.

My first thought was pretty much along the lines of hell no. but thinking more about it...I realized how I felt after everything happened, and how much I dont want other girls to go through that...

But anyway, I told her id think about it.

Well todays topic at church was exactly what she was asking me to talk to her kids about. So obviously a sign. I felt like a big DUH, like this is something that God wants me to do. Which is weird, I never felt that way before, besides my current job I've never been so sure about doing something or knowing that this is what im supposed to be doing

(which the feeling is absolutely amazing btw)

so afterwards I give my sissy a ringaling and we talk more about it.

I know that this journey back to my past is not gonna be easy, for a bunch of reason.

1. im going to not only have to relive all that happened with me and kody, but im gonna have to share it.
2. its going to bring up a lot of hurt...and not just with how i felt about kody, but with all the stuff that happened with my family, with my church, and with my friends.
3. i know im going to learn a lot about myself
4. God is going to use this to change me, im sure.

I dont know if im fully ready to do this.

I know its what I need to do though. So only good can come of this.

I am almost 100% positive that this is what I need to do , not only to forgive myself for what happened, but to forgive kody, and to forgive God.

Though I know that I know longer blame him, I still feel like he deserted me as well as everyone else. but thats another story I guess.

I was gonna use the blog as a journally thing for it ( I need to start journalling and reading my bible so that I can prepare myself for this, dont want to lead young girls in wrong directions) but there will just be too much personal information for me to do that.

I just wanted to tell some one.

None of my friends are church goers...or even really that into Jesus...so getting back to church will definitely be a struggle. Im not gonna be a hypocrit. Or anywhere near a bible thumper. Ive always believed that actions speak louder than words, so ill be doing my best to live it...or probably not tell people. idk.

im really hesitant still about church. but I feel like this is a good step in the right direction. Whatever that may be.

i am excited about this retreat. I might even be able to go up to Maine to personally be there for these girls, which would be awesome b.c then id get to see my sister. but even if i cant computer technology is amazing.

Im super nervous.

a beacon of estrogen

A typical day in my life:

Wake up, usually to my MALE cat shoving his nose under my head...do treatments...exercise..do more treatments..shower...get ready for work...head to work...

I get to work...and i do my stuff...say hi to my MALE bosses...

call a few people (usually all MALE)

post MAN comes in and gives us our mail.

ups arrives...MALE delivery guy.

customers! MALE...customers...

finally...students...MALE students...

take some repairs down to our MALE technicians.

i live in a sea of testosterone...constantly being ignored b.c im female. always having to introduce my self and assert myself as an important member of this business. Stand up for myself and prove myself constantly. Show that I do know what i am talking about at my job, and can do it just as well and sometimes better than my MALE bosses....

Than I come home...to my amazing beacon of estrogen...my awesome roommate =) yay for female roommates!!!! haha

but honestly...i wouldnt have it any other way =)

its so much fun proving to people that i am good at my job and a trustworthy person to talk to about my field.

I am extremely blessed to have been given this job and the opportunity to turn it in to a career. My career field!!

as im proving myself to other people it makes me feel soooooo good about myself. im constantly reminding myself that I am doing the job that I want to be doing for the rest of my life! its suuch an amazing feeling!

God and I might not be on the best of terms...but I thank him everyday for my little sea of testosterone, b.c i am definitely blessed!!! = )

and speaking of estrogen, I got to hang out with my sister for a short period of time today/last night. it was soooo great to see her!! I definitely miss having my sisters super close to me.

and speaking of testosterone my neighbors are douche bags. they are about my age but act...well i guess like people my age...but i usually dont hang out with people my own age b.c they act stupid and immature... and it bothers me. haha i guess im an old soul but i think its stupid to do perverted jokes to make my cleavage pop out...or to make fun off my ass b.c i have one. i mean seriously!??! boys...so dumb.

hope everyone had a great day =)

today was just a blah day

I feel like I should be writing something but cant really think of how to put my thoughts and feelings into words.

Found out an amazing person died today. A teacher from my high school was killed in a car accident. The other person hit her right on the drivers side, the dude ran a red light. It really sucked to hear. She was an amazing teacher, and an overall amazing person.

I also had to say goodbye to one of my best friends. She is moving to Virginia to live with her boyfriend, who is an amazing person, Im just gonna miss that girl. But I hope to see her in May. She said we can stay at their place when we go to pittsburgh, and wants to join us, she is a huge steelers fan too. And has family in pittsburgh.

Today was just blah...

I have been struggling wit

I've been feeling lonely lately. Im not sure if its because I want a boyfriend, or am just tired of being alone.

Boyfriends cause way too much drama, and way too much stress, and way too much pain. Its so much easier being single than in a relationship.

I think I just miss that feeling of being important to someone, and feeling special. Its so hard to get those feelings from friends or my bosses. I know that my friends and family love me...but I guess its just different.

Im going to church on sunday...i feel like i might get struck by lightning. haha

i know that I need to forgive the people at snyder and God for what happened last year, guess this is a first step.

leggo...

yeah...im breaking down Disney!

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly

Just a little change
Small, to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise
Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong

Certain as the sun
Rising in the East
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast


The other day I watched Beauty and the Beast with a good girl friend of mine. Her boyfriend just left for basic and she has been having a hard time. But man, Im glad we went and watched it. Its such an awesome movie. Though I am really glad that they created the other Beauty and the Beast, makes me feel better about how quickly they fell in love and got married, but anyway.

So this song has been stuck in my head for a while, and I couldnt remember all the lyrics so i looked them up. As I was reading them it made me think of Kody and any future guy that I may have in my life.

Falling in love is not an easy thing to do. And I've been very weary about it since Kody ( first loves die hard ). I know that when the right guy comes along I'll hopefully know it and can take that step, but he just hasnt come around yet...or I dont think he has.

But what the lyrics are saying is true. Love has always been around (Tale as old as time), its something that I think keeps us humans from killing each other. Loving is just an exaggerated form of liking, and you generally dont hang around people that you hate (though I know someone that does...he is really weird though. but I like him as a friend so in some way...love! haha).

Love is true, its just us humans that make the untruths that lead us to stop loving or to stop trusting. Loving someone you have to start out as friends, whether its barely or been friends for a long time. No one just falls in love at first sight ( i dont believe in it at least ) you have to take time to get to know someone at least a little bit.

Like with Belle, there is no way she fell in love with the beast the first time she saw him. He had taken her father captive and he was kind of SUPER hairy. But then something changed.

Now I havent quite decided if I believe that the beast really loved Belle. She was the only female to grace their presence in a long time and he needed her to break the spell,but its a Disney movie so lets just say he did.

He started to change. He knew that his temper was never gonna get him anywhere, he used to be an extremely selfish brat, that had never loved anyone but himself. So he (not necessarily changed) but started to make the effort to real in his temper and just be himself.

Falling in love is generally scary, hence why they both were scared. Though it may have been because he was scared that he was gonna look like that for the rest of his life and she was scared because she was being held prisoner by this really ugly scary beast and a bunch of appliances that talk. Im being really cynical. haha

Bittersweet and strange (yes im skipping around) is definitely true. Bittersweet because you lose apart of your self when you fall in love. You have to give yourself to the person (not necessarily physically), you give them a piece of your heart, yeah that sounds better. lol And its definitely strange. All of a sudden your living for them too. You have someone else to think about besides yourself. And if you are an extremely independent or selfish person, its not the easiest thing to do.

Idk if I agree about finding you can change, I have been feeling a lot lately that if I have to change who I am for a guy then he is not worth it. I mean in the movie I can see where that would fit. Beast had extreme temper problems. And there is no way that any girl would fall in love with that, ok thats not true. He was an awesome person besides the temper problems, he just needed to learn to control them which I guess counts as changing but I feel like thats more learning.

Anyway...I dont know why Im criticing (sp) all of this. haha Ive been really lonely lately and finding that special someone has been on my mind a lot. I kind of feel like the beast before belle, all alone with no prospects but my crazy friends around me, except my friends are talking appliances.

Though being lonely and thinking this way is kind of motivating me. I am learning to live with myself and find things to do without being in a relationship. I guess learning to stand on my own two feet, and enjoy alone time. Its definitely not my favorite thing, but Im getting all my homework done and im exercising.

Exercising! whoo hoo! that will help me to feel better about myself and feel more confident in the way that I look. Though I do o so love the way that I look, there are just some things I dont like, but hey...no ones perfect...even though everyone expects us to be. haha

this blog took a weird turn. back to beauty and the beast!

Its such a sweet love story. All the disney princess stories are. The little mermaid is still my favorite though. Though I can connect a bit with Belle. She was considered "odd" because she always had her nose stuck in a book. Well thats definitely me! But I can agree that by my own standards im a pretty odd person, but i think i am very fall in love type...like someone would love me? idk if that made any sense.

ok im starting to ramble. better get of my lazy bum bum and get moving for the day.



=)

Why me?!?

It doesnt matter how long of a time its been since everything ended with me and kody, this is hard.

Seeing that douche surrounded by the people that I grew up with...that have known me since I was a child, that taught me about Jesus and love and living my life the way God wants me to. I can name all the people that are surrounding him and their wives, some of them their children. In the church that I grew up in!! I remember when that building that they are in was built!!! I remember before Giles was there...when Sandy Saunders was preaching what they used to call the old way in the chapel. My mom got married there. My sister got married there! I have so many good memories there. I can never go back.

And knowing that when things went south with me and kody, they followed him. They treated me like I was a slut, ignored me in my times of need, rejected my questions about God and Christianity and just made me feel like a complete and total failure about life.

These people, who taught me everything that I knew about God, and everything that I had believed, just people that taught me how to live! they rejected me. for this asshole. who is the biggest hypocrit i have ever...EVER met. And im supposed to just move on with my life and go straight back to loving Jesus and trusting people and commit to a relationship with another person that is just gonna screw me over again!?!?!

Hell no.


Guess I'm still angry over everything still.

Sigh. Life goes on. And I know that I have a great life now. I love it actually. I just miss having someone that loves me and that i love.

It is just so not fair. Why does he get to be surrounded by the people that I love and the place that I grew up in and love, and I have to deal with my doubts and my insecurities about that place and everyone that is there?!?

blah.

Moving out was definitely an adventure. One that I felt was not going to be as hard as it seems to be.

Idk. I mean I love my roommate, I've known her for a long time (we went to high school together) and I wasnt worried about us getting along.

And we are getting along fine. But I spend all day working, and she doesnt have a job so she sits at home and watches tv or goes on the computer and does who the hell knows all day.

Eats all the food, doesnt do any dishes, doesnt clean anything, and it drives me nuts! I work all day come home, put dishes away, clean the dishes, clean the kitchen, and do all sorts of cleaning stuff that I dont want to do. Im sick of it.

I guess its all apart of growing up. Ive learned Im a neat freak. I like to keep my house clean. Especially since Im paying hard earned money for it. And I don't like to spend money but I never seem to have any.

Now isnt that a huge conundrum. I dont like to spend money, but yet I always seem to be spending it. Its like there is always shit that needs to be bought. I avoid going out to eat b.c I dont want to spend money, but yet...I cant seem to save any anyways. Whether its car stuff or gas or just general things. Im going nuts!

I hate growing up sometimes.

And all this makes me feel lonely. I have no idea why...but it does. Im sick of being lonely.

And then there is the decision of just sticking with my classes (culinary) or going ahead and dropping them and working until I can get into the business program. If I drop them soon I wont have to repay anything, which is a good thing, but do I really want to drop them? I don't want to go to school at all. I feel like I am learning so much at work, and what I m learning is what I want to do for the rest of my life, so why waste time doing culinary?

ugh. i hate it when I just feel like crying for stupid things. Makes me think of the statement, that there is no use crying over spilt milk. But its definitely true, and yet its what I want to do.

and I miss my car...I cant wait to have it back on monday.

o yeah...and then there is my dad. Its like me moving out made me not his daughter anymore, or put us back in our relationship to where we were when there was all that custody battles and before we lived together. I mean really dad? Just b.c i moved out doesnt mean i dont need you to act like you love me still. I guess I was expecting more from our relationship than there actually is. We must have this relationship where we can be a dad and daughter only if we live together, and if we dont then we dont really have a relationship. Which super duper sucks.

I guess I just need to continue to take it one day at a time, keep exercising so I feel better about myself, and continue to learn in anyway that I can.

Goodnight everyone

D'Addario it is!

Today was literally one of the best days at work ever!!

If you dont know, I work at a music store here in my city, and I absolutely love it!! Before I started working here I was going to school to be a chef (and i still love cooking) but since starting working here I've found my niche.

I absolutely love the business, I love music, and I love my bosses and all the people I have to come in contact with.

Anywho...my day. So for the past couple of weeks we have been working on becoming dealers of D'Addario products, its an accessories company. And it has been my baby. I've been learning so much about running this business its not even funny, from paying bills, to all the inventory stuff. Its awesome. But back to my baby...

So I did all the work of getting the dealership, I put all our paper work together, I dealt directly with our rep Brandon, placed our first order, and did so much stuff with it.

Today we received our first order! It was so exciting! All of my hard work finally paid off! We got all of our new and shiny accessories plus so much swag! I have a tshirt. I'm so excited! I know its really not that big of a deal, but dude, I did it! I accomplished so much today. It makes me feel really good about myself.

I love my life =)

Im soooo freakin blessed!!!!

and then there is Franklin...

So for the past 4 days I have been battling what I think may have been the flu, thankfully I am finally getting better and it does not seem to have moved into my lungs which is always the biggest worry anytime I get sick. Yay cf. But for some reason its made me feel super lonely. Idk why. I guess b.c I (like most people) like to be taken care of once in a while and I am just hating being single right now. And not only am I single, but Im single with no options. Its like I cant get any guys what so ever! And it really makes me wonder whats going on. Am I really that ugly?!? Or that unapproachable?!? Sometimes I just dont get it. I know I'm not ugly. And even if I was, I am very happy with the way I look, and I dont need someone in my life that doesnt like/love me for the way I look. Its just so freakin hard to find a decent guy. And looking at my life I know I dont need one. My life is GREAT!!! I have the best roommate, an amazing apartment (that is away from all the stress of my family and each one of their craziness). The best job anyone could EVER ask for. I mean seriously, I dont think there is any other job to beat mine. I have the best bosses, and Im steadily learning all about sales and running a business and am excelling in the musical knowledge department, also in the selling department. Im learning so much....and loving every second of it! I have made some amazing friends, though they are older than me, they still seem to be great people and would help me out if I ever needed anything. I have an amazing best friend, and though she lives in Arizona now, I know if I needed her she would do everything in her power to be there for me in any way that I needed... plus, besides this random bout with the flu, my health is great! and then there is Franklin. He is the best cat ever. and I know people (mainly my friends...haha) say that loving this cat makes me a crazy cat lady, but he is truly awesome. He knows just when Im upset and needs some loving...or when i just need his company. he is truly the best cat ever. except for when he decides to try and escape into the great unknown which is actually just the front door. This is the longest I have been single since I started dating. And im guessing that I just need to learn how to be single and to deal with the lonelyness...but im tired of having to deal with it. I feel like thats all Ive been doing. anywho. Im soooo blessed in my life and all that has been going on...even the little stupid stuff like me hitting my roommates car. haha i know that I will meet someone special sometime soon, whether its this month, next , next year or who knows. Im gonna push through it, and enjoy this time with my friends and family. o. and focus on finishing my business degree. bleh. accounting...i am not looking forward to that class!!!! have a great night yall =)