Ever since I got out of the hospital, my thoughts have been different. For some reason, I feel like Ive grown up a little. I think that God used the AFB to help me see what I've been doing wrong in my life. Well, just things that aren't safe or really Godly.
Since starting to read this book a lot of other things have also been brought to my attention. In chapter three of this book, it says
"Fallen Eve controls her relationships. She refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control. She becomes a woman 'who doesn't need anyone- especially a man.' How this plays out over the course of her life, and how the wounds of her childhood shape her heart's convictions are often a complex story, on worth knowing. But beneath it all, behind it all, is a simple truth: women dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability. Far from God and far from Eden, it seems a perfectly reasonable way to live. But consider also this: 'Whatever is not from faith is sin' (Rom. 14:23 NKJV). That self-protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving, and nothing to do with deeply trusting God. It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world."
This paragraph really stood out to me for some reason. I still cant really pin point why it would stand out to me. I know I like to be in control. I've always been "Miss Independent". I used to say that if there was a way that I could reproduce without a man, I would. Because I felt that I didn't need one. I could run and control my own life.
I applied this thought to my relationship with God. I didn't need him. He was just a big heavenly being that created us all and killed of his son for us messed up people. Why did I have to rely and need a guy like that?
Through reading this book, I've come to see that I do need God. I cant run my life on my own. Sure i'm not perfect at this...I mean...I definitely still want control...but I think that slowly and surely (over the last couple of weeks) I've been trying to give God the reigns.
This morning as I was walking to my class, I had...I guess you could say a revelation. It was such a beautiful morning. I mean...mountain gorgeous! the leaves were perfect color and the sky was just amazing! A couple of things popped in my mind as I was trying to pray.
1) "And I stand, in awe...of you!!! Jesus, and I stand in awe in awe of you! That song popped in my head...I mean...i Was just in awe at the scenery around me.
2) God is beautiful. He creates/created beautiful creations. And which in turn...means that I am beautiful.
I almost started crying right there. I do believe that I accepted what Captivating has been trying to teach us. That I am beautiful because God is beautiful, and I am created in his image! HOw awesome is that?!
I've been trying for a long time to accept this. I do believe that my heart has accepted it...I just need to keep reminding myself it so I don't forget!
I am beautiful! and God loves me...more than I'll ever know!
