i dont even know what to say right now.
So i thought that i was doing a good job of taking care of myself, going to all my classes, working hard at my job, being responsible. but no. I obviously wasnt. so here is what has happened in the past week.
saturday night i went to kristens bday party. hung out with all of my friends, and made new ones. sunday, went to church, then went back to kristens for her birthday. i brought her lunch. i was udner the impression that i was going to dinner with my parents. but no. so that was obviously mistake number 1.
monday(tuesday) comes along. mom texts me earlier in the day and says lets get together. im all for it. i never hear from her again. so im at home alone and decide i want to do something. so i contact my friends. mistake #2. miniature golfing is bad.
wednesday. I had the biker girl church "bible study" after that, I went to hooters with friends. Marcel, Brian, Kristen, Ramon, and Junious. Mistake #3
Friday. I went to a club. i danced dirty. i didnt get home until fucking 430. had the time of my life. enjoyed hanging out with my friends. though most of them were drunk. it was still awesome. they made my 18th birthday great.
saturday. who knows what i did.
sunday (today) went to church. did homework. went to papas wedding. then went to buffalo wild wings with marcel, enrique, ramon, big scott, maggie. this was obviously awful. mistake # 893027502973529035879023849320.
was (i guess) supposed to meet with della and mason at bww...didnt know this.
go home about 8. get home. chill with the sisters. then get ready for bed.
doing my treatments. and nicole comes in and gets on me about my "activities"
1030 comes around, and low and behold here comes the mother and stepfather. all big and bad in their bicker outfits. demanding to talk with me. so I go. and know that im in trouble. though i havent done anything.
they start lecturing me about my decions. and how i have been lying to them. which is not the truth. i have told them everything that i was doing. which they said that was a lie. and that i have been deceitful and twisting m y words around and manipulating everyone. i have smoked 5 cigarettes since saturday. i have slept with marcel, ramon, and big scott (not true...just according to my parents) and i have been hiding things from them.
aint this just fucking great. here i was thinking i was doing ok, and whoops!! silly me!! should have known that since you aint exactly like them and nicole that it was wrong.
they said that my friends aint true friends because they took me to these places. club, bar hooters, that are all "filled" with smoke.
I used to be the girl that hated when people smoked around her. i still dont like it. but i like to hang out with my friends and some of them smoke. its a free country. if they want to they can. but according to my parents this is all out of character of me. well mother if you didnt have your head stuck up some muffler you would see that i have become this person. there are other things in life besides motorcycles. but you guys dont even notice me unless im not conforming with your perfect little plans.
and because they dont know my friends it means that i have been hiding them from them. which is horrible. because they have to know everything about my life. they have to know my every move. so you know what mom. im going to text you whenever i do something. you are going to know when i do anything, from going to class to taking a shit. i dont give a fuck anymore.
according to phil, a child is not supposed to have secrets from their parents until abou t10-15 years after they move out of the house. what kind of shit is that?!?! i mean...they have never known everything about me. i hide tons of shit from them. there is so much stuff that no one knows about me. well kristen knows it all.
so i wish i was never born. im such a failure to my parents that i dont see any reason why i should live . i mean, i obviously cant please them. and i cant please anyone in my family. my life sucks ass anyway.
they seriously think that me being friends with the people i am now, is hazardous to my health. everything is hazardous to my health. and i am not della. i did not go on a drinking binge. i have been offered alcohol so many times in the past week...and has one oz touched my lips?? hell no. sure, i went to a couple of places that were loaded with smoke., my bad. would my doctors approve?? no. but i bet they also wouldnt approve of me not trying to live my life.
this sucks. i cant stop crying. like, i cant even put into words how much i am hurting right now.
and all this shit about God. he doesnt care about me. never has never will. there i said it mom! he doesnt care!! how do you even know he exists?!?! he aint never done anything in my life to prove it, and ive tried to talk to him. ive poured my heart out so many times to him. and no response. i dont know what ive done to him but he fuckin hates my guts.
i hate this. i hate feeling like this. you want me to be myself phil?!?! no masks?!?!? well you should see me when im with all my friends, that is when im truly myself, that is when im the happiest. but wait, i forgot. you did say that you were going to come the next time i went out with my friends. o wait i forgot that was mom.
doesnt anyone ever respect privacy anymore?!?!?!?!?
i dont know why i don tstand up to them. it is so much easier to just let them talk shit and make them happy then to stand up to myself.
i don teven know what to say anymore.
i could use a hug right now. or just any sort of physical contact with a human being.
i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.
i dont know what to do. the smart thing would be to chuck all of my friends and be a lonely loser like nicole. a person that never leaves the house. that would make my parents happy. but yet, i cant ever do anything to please them so whats the fuckin point?!?!?
yeah i know...potty mouth...
i love you kristen. thank you so much for semi understanding. i know my text messages scare dthe shit out of you.
well i think this is about it.
if you have any advice...i would love it.
peace.
