Gotta love that first love...

So ive started dating this guy...i mean...i guess you could call it dating.

We've gone out a couple of times in the past week.

anyway...idk how i feel about him.

all i can think about when im with him is kody. and with my last boyfriend i didnt have this problem, sure I would think about him every once in a while...but not every single time like this. I mean quite literally...even when kissing him all i can think about is kody.

and im starting to think that id rather be with kody than I would with eddy...

which is really odd.

there just seems to be no spark there.

he told me that he liked me tonight, but thats the first ive heard.

the only compliments he has ever given me is that i have a great ass...and im a good kissser.

sure they are great compliments (must admit, im quite proud of the good kisser one) but what about things like, your beautiful, and you have great eyes, or an amazing smile, or a great laugh?!?

honestly when im with him i feel like im young (i guess i should...since he is 14 years my senior). and not like..."o he makes me feel young again" no... like...im back in high school naive and innocent and laughing at so many stupid things.

and im guessing thats not a good thing.

i mean...i know dating is supposed to be getting to know each other...but i feel like we arent. i feel like i know nothing about him.

and I dont want to just be a warm body to him ya know? because im not going to be sleeping with him. and idk...im scared thats all he wants.

im scared of getting hurt.

all i can think about is how much i got hurt...and how i can never let that happen again...or at least to hold off until someone is worth it. and idk...

i just dont think he is worth it.

and what sucks is that he is in my group of friends. I hate that. I did not want to get romantically involved with a friend in our group...why?!? b.c that shit gets awkward. and i need friends more than I need a freakin relationship.

all i want...is to get married and have kids. to be loved and to be challenged...and to be accepted...for just it all to fit.

idk what to do.

this could all just be because im hesitant to get hurt again.

who knows maybe he could be the only one for me!

he sure is the only person that has seemed to notice that im a female lately...

ugh.

i hate this.

I need an arranged marriage.

no i dont. i know id hate that. hahaha

bleh.

I hate kody.

I didnt realize how much until last night. I was talking with my friend (a different guy friend) about love and he was like...yeah its awesome...and i was like...yeah until they use you and take advantage of your innocence and say they never loved you and cut your heart open again and again and again...

and then i cried.

i mean seriously...its been what...2 years since we finished?

when is it gonna end?!?!

i dont want to hate him.

i dont want to remember him

i just want him and everything about him to be gone. all gone. gone gone gone gone GONE!!!!!

but its not. and i cant forget. and i cant forgive him.

i gave him the most important things to me. and he threw it straight back in my face.

how am i supposed to ever give someone my heart again?!?

how in the world am i supposed to trust anyone ever again?

i feel like im only wanted now for sex...and thats not what I want. I want more than that.

but if im uncapapble of loving someone...how can i expect someone to love me?

my 2 k's

I MISS MY BEST FRIENDS


Best Friend #1:

o my goodness I cant believe how much I miss her. Today I spend the day with her mom.

Her mom has disabilities and could not drive to her appointment on her own so I took the day off and drove her. It was a lot of fun, I almost started crying when I walked in her house. OMG it looks so different. Her mom has completely cleaned out her house. it looks super different, but totally in a good way. not as much clutter. but omg do I miss going over there and hanging out with my that girl.

Things have been so different since she moved. Its been almost a year. its so crazy to think that she has been gone that long.

Ive made some great friends since then, but no one can replace my best friend.

We are soo alike, its so weird not having her right down the street, or just a phone call away...Im super happy for her, and the life she is making for herself. but i miss her!!!!!

Im so super glad to call her my best friend. idk what I would do without her.

Best Friend #2

I sometimes wonder if she doesnt like me anymore b.c of how close I am with Kayla. I try not to read into the things she says on fb...or the things she does, but its soooo hard.

She was my ultimate best friend in high school and we helped each other through soooo much!! I was there for her when all the stuff with her brother was going down, and she was with me with all of my grandparent problems and with everything else that went down.

We would spend every weekend at her house. (I didnt like being at mine)

We would watch One Tree Hill and just talk. It was such fun. I was so close to her and to her family. They were my second family.

And all of a sudden she doesnt like me anymore. Says that she just needs to figure out her life and until then she could use some time from me.

I know that it probably has something to do with the fact that she is dating my ex boyfriends best friend. But that doesnt bother me...but it might bother her. idk. i just dont understand it at all.

I miss her though

I miss the times that the three of us would have together. I miss just our little group, and the way we were all at easy with each other.

I know that Ive made some great friends now.

Erika and I have never been closer. She is definitely one of my best friends. And Megan is the greatest ever! One of my best friends to.

These four girls are the girls that I would turn to for anything.

And it hurts that I might have done something to turn one of them away from me.

I have so much good in my life now, that I know that I dont need the stress and the drama of a relationship like this one...but it still hurts ya know?

o well.

anyway...

I had a great day today =)

had fun with the bestys mom...then had a great date with Eddy...and its not time for bed!!

Good night my loves =)

True Friends

Wow! I am soooo blessed to have amazing friends in my life.

A fellow cyster of mine has been having friend problems...pretty much the people that she was considering to be her friends are not continuing to be her friends b.c she is getting sick and having to be in the hospital so she is unable to hang out.

I absolutely hate people that do that. They are obviously people that arent worth anything and should be shot.

ok maybe not that extreme but it pisses me off.

one of the excuses kody used to end our relationship was that he couldnt be in the navy and have a wife that has cf. coward.

they are all cowards.

having cf does not mean that we are any less capable of having friends, or not wanting friends.

we want friends

we want people that are going to hang out with us when we are sick or not...when we feel great...or when we feel bad. We want friends that are going to look past the cf and see us for who we are!

i do not understand what is so hard about that.

cf is not who we are.

I am so blessed to have such amazing friends.

first of all...is my best friend. We have been friends since high school but got super close after. And she knows everything about me...its hard now since she now lives FAR AWAY ... but i still love her and cant wait till im not broke and can go visit her. but every time i have a problem with cf or am not feel well...she does everything she can to understand...and i know its not always easy for her.

and then there are my new friends.

I started hanging out with these people last september, so yeah a bit of time but not really that long. they know that i have cf but they only know what ive told them or if they ask any questions. but man...are they awesome. last night i was not feeling good , having trouble breathing, and they just accepted that and told me that if i needed anything to not hesitate to call.

these people have had the easiest lives possible...and they are still ok with hanging out with diseased and damaged me. how could i have gotten so lucky?!?!

some people are just ignorant and stupid.

and i hate that my friend is having to go through this. We all need friends. I just wish there was a way that I could help her out besides talking over the internet.

hurrying life along...

I do this a whole lot...

but why do we, as humans, try to hurry life along?

we only have one life...and we never know when its gonna end...

why do we always push for tomorrow...or the next day...or month...or year?

why cant we just be happy with today!

I was talking with my best friend today and all we wanted to be was 21.

Sure it will have its advantages...legally able to drink...get into places we couldnt before...technically be adults (though im more of an adult than some of my over 21 friends) rent a car...

but will we really be any happier then?!?!

what if we were to just enjoy today?

that sure is what i try to do. live my life day to day, and to just enjoy everything that happened today!

im tired of the rush, of the push for more, to be better...to have the best. i just want to be happy!

Cf has taught me that.

With all of my fibros and cyster getting sick, it worries me. And lately ive been freaking out about diabetes lately too...

but why?

none of us know the day or the hour of when we will die...so you have to live your life.

thats why its been bothering me that ive been in a blah mood lately. happy but not fulfilled maybe? just sort of on edge...and i cant figure out why.

i have absolutely no reason to be stressed (besides some minimal financial problems), i have an amazing job, an amazing family, the best of friends, so why am i so stressed??!

Ive even been going to church...

idk...i just dont get it.

i dont want to rush my life...but im tired of living check to check...tired of being lonely...

i feel so much older than 20...

i enjoy my life.

hell i love my life!

maybe i just need to continue to enjoy the little things, and the big things will come??

advice would be appreciated!!!

4 am

How is it that I seem to be always broke?!?!

ugh.

For the 4th day in a row I am up again at an insane hour for no apparent reason. I have not been sleeping good and it is really starting to wear on me.

I am doing my vest...again...

I am so tired.

I worked 80.30 hours last week...and my pay check was a lot lower than I thought it was going to be...and its frustrating...looking at my bank account it looks like things that should have gone through like...days ago...went through yesterday which makes my pay check look smaller than it was...

because actually I got paid what i thought...things are just weird and confusing. if I didnt have rent and bills id be rolling in it. maybe i shouldnt have moved out...but the thought of going back home and living with dad is a whole lot worse than being broke and have no money.

Idk I guess im just worrying too much.

Im not saving as much as I'd like...and that makes me think of getting a second job and just working nights/weekends. Not b.c im in the red...it would just be nice to have a little bit extra cash in my bank account and in my wallet.

Im not sure if physically I could handle it...but maybe I should give it a try...im sure there are plenty of restaurants that are hiring.

Ive been doing a lot of thinking about the retreat with Nicole lately...and its got me rethinking some decisions that I was going to make. Which includes hanging out with certain people, and doing certain things. Which is a good thing...

I've decided that Im going to follow what Im learning about at church and not be on the wrong side of the bed, so to speak.

Right now, being single, its going to be super easy. I think...haha

Gods beginning to get to me I think...

Rawr. I hate being awake right now! I hate not knowing why im awake.

haha life is so crazy. i love it =)

so yesterday my roommate and I spent the day in the er. She was having an extreme bladder infection and was like...dying (not really but she was in a lot of pain) so we went to the er on post.

lord have mercy that place was crazy. I , of course, was wearing a mask (dont want their germs mixing with my cf, bad guju there) and people were so surprised to see that she was the patient and not me. that part was quite entertaining.

it took forever to get back to a room though...and once we did get a room we must have sat there for like an hour before we were finally saw by a nurse...and then another hour before a doctor finally came in.

so anyway, when the nurse came in, I asked her if it was ok if we closed the door (she has left it open for some reason) b.c i was tired of wearing my mask and with the door closed i could take it off. She went all stir crazy. She was like...if you have cf you shouldnt even be in the hospital with or without a mask. its so much safer and blah blah blah. I literally was like "im perfectly fine with a mask on, and im not gonna wait five hours our in my car when my friend is sick"

i understand that I have a lung disease and that germs are bad...but i know how to keep myself safe in a hospital...or out in the real world. I dont need to be coddled like a baby.

Germs are there whether in the hospital or at home. cant avoid them so im not gonna let them beat me.

but man...i was so exhausted yesterday...i had spent most of the night tossing and turning. after work i just went home and took a bath...best thing ever!! let me tell you...

ive been so lonely lately...but instead of turning to guys ive been enjoying it. I mean not really enjoying it...but embracing it. I know that I have lots to figure out before I can be in a decent relationship. or at least a relationship thats not destructive.

I think thats a step in the right direction. =)