Getting my Jesus on

Whoo hoo I went to church today, and I did not spontaneously combust or get struck by lightnight. go figure?! haha

and im gonna keep going. =)

So every since I promised mom that I would go to church I've been doing a lot of thinking about why I stopped and how to get over it.

Church (I guess Jesus) has always been a part of my life, and not living with it this past year and a half has been different, not bad, just different.

I've always hoped that I would be able to get over what happened and get back to church, though I know that my faith in God will never be the same. And I dont want it to be. The way my faith was way back when was for the person I was then. I am not that girl anymore.

I know that I have come a long way.

I used to blame God and hate him for all that happened, though now I know that its not his fault, its more mine. I know that God is real and I know that he loves me.

There is so much that I feel that I have to relearn, and so much that I feel that I cant believe.

Anyway, the other day my sister sent me an email about a retreat that she is doing with her middle school youth group at church, about purity. And she asked if I would tell my story.

My first thought was pretty much along the lines of hell no. but thinking more about it...I realized how I felt after everything happened, and how much I dont want other girls to go through that...

But anyway, I told her id think about it.

Well todays topic at church was exactly what she was asking me to talk to her kids about. So obviously a sign. I felt like a big DUH, like this is something that God wants me to do. Which is weird, I never felt that way before, besides my current job I've never been so sure about doing something or knowing that this is what im supposed to be doing

(which the feeling is absolutely amazing btw)

so afterwards I give my sissy a ringaling and we talk more about it.

I know that this journey back to my past is not gonna be easy, for a bunch of reason.

1. im going to not only have to relive all that happened with me and kody, but im gonna have to share it.
2. its going to bring up a lot of hurt...and not just with how i felt about kody, but with all the stuff that happened with my family, with my church, and with my friends.
3. i know im going to learn a lot about myself
4. God is going to use this to change me, im sure.

I dont know if im fully ready to do this.

I know its what I need to do though. So only good can come of this.

I am almost 100% positive that this is what I need to do , not only to forgive myself for what happened, but to forgive kody, and to forgive God.

Though I know that I know longer blame him, I still feel like he deserted me as well as everyone else. but thats another story I guess.

I was gonna use the blog as a journally thing for it ( I need to start journalling and reading my bible so that I can prepare myself for this, dont want to lead young girls in wrong directions) but there will just be too much personal information for me to do that.

I just wanted to tell some one.

None of my friends are church goers...or even really that into Jesus...so getting back to church will definitely be a struggle. Im not gonna be a hypocrit. Or anywhere near a bible thumper. Ive always believed that actions speak louder than words, so ill be doing my best to live it...or probably not tell people. idk.

im really hesitant still about church. but I feel like this is a good step in the right direction. Whatever that may be.

i am excited about this retreat. I might even be able to go up to Maine to personally be there for these girls, which would be awesome b.c then id get to see my sister. but even if i cant computer technology is amazing.

Im super nervous.