loneliness

so im extremely lonely right now.

i hate being lonely. it makes me really miss him.

i know i shouldnt, i know that he didnt treat me as he should (after we broke up). But i Still love him. I miss my best friend. I miss the fun we used to have.

When Im lonely like this I think alot about what went wrong with our relationship, and i still havent come to any concrete conclusions.

I know that I had issues with jealousy, and was way too snoopy. He needed his privacy and I didnt give it to him. I guess I have trust issues as well.

Im scared to move on. I dont want to have a life without him. Im letting him go, and im moving on. but i hate how its ended...i hate how im feeling.

riding solo...yay me...

im sitting here on my couch while he is with his ex gf...who cheated on him...what does she have that i dont? i never cheated on him...never came close! he came close to cheating on me...

i dont understand love. i know ive grown up a lot in this past year.

but i wish i didnt have to go through this.

if i ever get suicidal...it will be becuase im lonely. i cant stand this feeling...

its probably why in high school i pretty much always had a bf...cant stand being lonely.

part ofme wants to get in a relaitonship now...but im no where near ready...just flirting with other guys makes me cry

but im not crying now. and thats an improvement...i cant say anything about later...but im not now. and thats what is important.

sigh

this too shall pass...

right???

dilemma!

so im torn between the school i want to go to...and the one that i should go to.

i could have all expenses paid for and get a free car if i move to michigan and go to school up there...

but i want to go to a school in charleston with the beach.

ugh. i dont know where i want to go...

...

My life is a storm. there is no calm, there is no eye. Just thick black clouds that surround me. Keeping me from seeing, form seeking. There is no one to be seen, no light, no love, just me. I look around and for the first time I notice something, the clouds are made up of my faults; the hurt feelings, the broken heart. The more I look the more that comes out. Betrayal, abandonment, disease, divorce, death, denial, the un-forgiveness, and worst of all, the false love. I see myself, and the hatred that was there, I see the yearning for love, for light, for acceptance. I see all the people I've loved, and helped, the people I've cared for, been there for, given everything for. They laugh at me, spit at me, it feels like acid rain. The lies of my life are like lightning. Zapping me, electrocuting me. My own personal hell. Then the storm changes, it's moving now.

There's a dark pit. There's no way around it. The storm surrounds the pit. The clouds are like walls, pushing me towards it. I'm scared. I don't want to go there. But it calls to me. I go towards it. Surrounding the pit are bones, skeletons or people long past, or so I thought. If the storm wasn't enough, the demons of my past and present are mocking me, calling me towards the pit. I run the other way, but the clouds have gotten closer. There will soon be no choice but to go into the pit. My life will be over. Hell will be real. The pain will be even more unbearable then it is now. That's it, there is no room. I will fall.

NO! I scream, This is not what I want. I am not going to give up! There has to be a way out. I pound on the wall of clouds. I beat and scream until my hands bleed and my throat is raw. Where is the sun?!? WHERE IS THE SON?!?!?!? There is no way. This can not be all there is!!!! I want more, I need more!

I can't do this anymore. I can't do this alone.

Who would want to save someone like me?

I am so tired.

The storm is winning. The demons are laughing. The pit is calling.

crossroads...

have you ever felt that you're at a crossroad and you dont know which way to go?? thats kind of what i feel like now...

there's different way to take, different choices to choose, and each have consequences, but each may have rewards as well...

but which one do i take??

i want to take the path that is right, the one that God wants me to take, but im still in the dark...which one is the path less traveled?? which one is right??

This may seem silly but im reminded of a song from the second pocahantas movie...near the end (or it may be the chorus) she sings " how do i know, where do i go from here?"

i want to be strong, i want to be mature, and i want to make the right decision.

but is it possible for me to be, and do, all of those things at one time??

Im told by different people different things. sometimes im told that i need to stand up for my self, then im told im being hypocritical for doing so. am i going about it the wrong way??

am i going about life the wrong way??

I think so...i need to start focusing my life more on God. I know that...its just hard to do. Its never been easy for me to seek him, ive always had trouble reading the bible, and praying. I need to start doing it though...

but am i doing it for the right reasons?!

or am i doing it just because im told i need to...

I love God. He is my savior, my father...but can he be my friend?!? Can I let him be my friend...

He has gotten me through a lot of stuff in my life time...why did i push him away? did i push him away?? idk...he seems to have gone to the background...and its my fault. I need to bring him back...

Why does all of this have to be so hard??

Im tired of feeling this hurt, this pain...im tired of crying...

Im tired of never being good enough...

when i think about these things...my thought is that God thinks im good enough, and he can take away the pain, i just only have to give it too him...

am i just that prideful that it is so hard to do that?!? I mean...am i that comfortable with what im feeling that to give it away would be so awful??

I finally found something that makes me happy...and i thought that God put it in my life...but if God aint the center of it...will he take it away?? and what good would the gift be if I didnt use it for his glory?!?

Am I willing to give up my control in everything I do...for God??

I think so.

I want to be.

I dont know how though...

God is love...and I love God.

So I know what I should do...

but can I do it??

I praise God for Ronnie Coleman

This morning when I woke up, both of my sisters were awake. This is definitely not normal at 6 am. Nicole was like hey come here, i had to start my med first. When I got in there she gave me the news. Uncle Ronnie had died last night.

Im not even sure what my first thought is. I just know that I praise God that now he is no longer in pain. And he is with his best friend, his father, his savior, his Jesus.

Uncle Ronnie was the one of the most amazing Christians I have ever met. This man is so on fire for the Lord. I could never fathom how much he loved Jesus. Everything he did was did for God. Of course he wasnt perfect but he tried to live like Jesus, and got pretty darn close to it.

He was an amazing friend. He was always willing to help out a fellow church goer or anyone that needed help. He lent us his house one time when we were homeless, He has given up his time to help so many people its impossible to list all of it.

Uncle Ronnie was an amazing father, and grandfather. He raised the some of best Christian men, and one of the best Christian female around. His children loved him. He loved them! HE would have done anything to help them out.

He had the best wife. Wherever he faulted, she would be the one to pull through. They were the perfect team! You could tell that they loved each other so much. I hope when I get married, our love is like theirs. They are amazing together!

My Uncle Ronnie touched so many lives. Its hard to see my life without him. I wish I could have been able to give him one last hug, one last kiss, to hear him say that he loved me and was praying for me one last time. But I am praising God for the image of him that I do have. Happy, healthy, and praising his Holy Father! And he wouldn't want it any other way.

I love you so much Uncle Ronnie! I know that you are in heaven looking down on us and praising God with everything that is in you!

You are finally cancer free, and will now wait for the rest of us to come and join you so that once again, we can worship together!

I will always miss you!!

Captivating.

So every Thursday we have been having a bible study at my house. We have been reading the book, Captivating. Nicole had been pestering me for weeks to read this book and about how it would help me and blah blah blah. AT the time that was what I was thinking.

Ever since I got out of the hospital, my thoughts have been different. For some reason, I feel like Ive grown up a little. I think that God used the AFB to help me see what I've been doing wrong in my life. Well, just things that aren't safe or really Godly.

Since starting to read this book a lot of other things have also been brought to my attention. In chapter three of this book, it says

"Fallen Eve controls her relationships. She refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control. She becomes a woman 'who doesn't need anyone- especially a man.' How this plays out over the course of her life, and how the wounds of her childhood shape her heart's convictions are often a complex story, on worth knowing. But beneath it all, behind it all, is a simple truth: women dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability. Far from God and far from Eden, it seems a perfectly reasonable way to live. But consider also this: 'Whatever is not from faith is sin' (Rom. 14:23 NKJV). That self-protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving, and nothing to do with deeply trusting God. It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world."

This paragraph really stood out to me for some reason. I still cant really pin point why it would stand out to me. I know I like to be in control. I've always been "Miss Independent". I used to say that if there was a way that I could reproduce without a man, I would. Because I felt that I didn't need one. I could run and control my own life.

I applied this thought to my relationship with God. I didn't need him. He was just a big heavenly being that created us all and killed of his son for us messed up people. Why did I have to rely and need a guy like that?

Through reading this book, I've come to see that I do need God. I cant run my life on my own. Sure i'm not perfect at this...I mean...I definitely still want control...but I think that slowly and surely (over the last couple of weeks) I've been trying to give God the reigns.

This morning as I was walking to my class, I had...I guess you could say a revelation. It was such a beautiful morning. I mean...mountain gorgeous! the leaves were perfect color and the sky was just amazing! A couple of things popped in my mind as I was trying to pray.

1) "And I stand, in awe...of you!!! Jesus, and I stand in awe in awe of you! That song popped in my head...I mean...i Was just in awe at the scenery around me.

2) God is beautiful. He creates/created beautiful creations. And which in turn...means that I am beautiful.

I almost started crying right there. I do believe that I accepted what Captivating has been trying to teach us. That I am beautiful because God is beautiful, and I am created in his image! HOw awesome is that?!

I've been trying for a long time to accept this. I do believe that my heart has accepted it...I just need to keep reminding myself it so I don't forget!

I am beautiful! and God loves me...more than I'll ever know!

dont know how to retitle this.

i dont even know what to say right now.

So i thought that i was doing a good job of taking care of myself, going to all my classes, working hard at my job, being responsible. but no. I obviously wasnt. so here is what has happened in the past week.

saturday night i went to kristens bday party. hung out with all of my friends, and made new ones. sunday, went to church, then went back to kristens for her birthday. i brought her lunch. i was udner the impression that i was going to dinner with my parents. but no. so that was obviously mistake number 1.

monday(tuesday) comes along. mom texts me earlier in the day and says lets get together. im all for it. i never hear from her again. so im at home alone and decide i want to do something. so i contact my friends. mistake #2. miniature golfing is bad.

wednesday. I had the biker girl church "bible study" after that, I went to hooters with friends. Marcel, Brian, Kristen, Ramon, and Junious. Mistake #3

Friday. I went to a club. i danced dirty. i didnt get home until fucking 430. had the time of my life. enjoyed hanging out with my friends. though most of them were drunk. it was still awesome. they made my 18th birthday great.

saturday. who knows what i did.

sunday (today) went to church. did homework. went to papas wedding. then went to buffalo wild wings with marcel, enrique, ramon, big scott, maggie. this was obviously awful. mistake # 893027502973529035879023849320.

was (i guess) supposed to meet with della and mason at bww...didnt know this.

go home about 8. get home. chill with the sisters. then get ready for bed.

doing my treatments. and nicole comes in and gets on me about my "activities"

1030 comes around, and low and behold here comes the mother and stepfather. all big and bad in their bicker outfits. demanding to talk with me. so I go. and know that im in trouble. though i havent done anything.

they start lecturing me about my decions. and how i have been lying to them. which is not the truth. i have told them everything that i was doing. which they said that was a lie. and that i have been deceitful and twisting m y words around and manipulating everyone. i have smoked 5 cigarettes since saturday. i have slept with marcel, ramon, and big scott (not true...just according to my parents) and i have been hiding things from them.

aint this just fucking great. here i was thinking i was doing ok, and whoops!! silly me!! should have known that since you aint exactly like them and nicole that it was wrong.

they said that my friends aint true friends because they took me to these places. club, bar hooters, that are all "filled" with smoke.

I used to be the girl that hated when people smoked around her. i still dont like it. but i like to hang out with my friends and some of them smoke. its a free country. if they want to they can. but according to my parents this is all out of character of me. well mother if you didnt have your head stuck up some muffler you would see that i have become this person. there are other things in life besides motorcycles. but you guys dont even notice me unless im not conforming with your perfect little plans.

and because they dont know my friends it means that i have been hiding them from them. which is horrible. because they have to know everything about my life. they have to know my every move. so you know what mom. im going to text you whenever i do something. you are going to know when i do anything, from going to class to taking a shit. i dont give a fuck anymore.

according to phil, a child is not supposed to have secrets from their parents until abou t10-15 years after they move out of the house. what kind of shit is that?!?! i mean...they have never known everything about me. i hide tons of shit from them. there is so much stuff that no one knows about me. well kristen knows it all.

so i wish i was never born. im such a failure to my parents that i dont see any reason why i should live . i mean, i obviously cant please them. and i cant please anyone in my family. my life sucks ass anyway.

they seriously think that me being friends with the people i am now, is hazardous to my health. everything is hazardous to my health. and i am not della. i did not go on a drinking binge. i have been offered alcohol so many times in the past week...and has one oz touched my lips?? hell no. sure, i went to a couple of places that were loaded with smoke., my bad. would my doctors approve?? no. but i bet they also wouldnt approve of me not trying to live my life.

this sucks. i cant stop crying. like, i cant even put into words how much i am hurting right now.

and all this shit about God. he doesnt care about me. never has never will. there i said it mom! he doesnt care!! how do you even know he exists?!?! he aint never done anything in my life to prove it, and ive tried to talk to him. ive poured my heart out so many times to him. and no response. i dont know what ive done to him but he fuckin hates my guts.

i hate this. i hate feeling like this. you want me to be myself phil?!?! no masks?!?!? well you should see me when im with all my friends, that is when im truly myself, that is when im the happiest. but wait, i forgot. you did say that you were going to come the next time i went out with my friends. o wait i forgot that was mom.

doesnt anyone ever respect privacy anymore?!?!?!?!?

i dont know why i don tstand up to them. it is so much easier to just let them talk shit and make them happy then to stand up to myself.

i don teven know what to say anymore.

i could use a hug right now. or just any sort of physical contact with a human being.

i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

i dont know what to do. the smart thing would be to chuck all of my friends and be a lonely loser like nicole. a person that never leaves the house. that would make my parents happy. but yet, i cant ever do anything to please them so whats the fuckin point?!?!?

yeah i know...potty mouth...

i love you kristen. thank you so much for semi understanding. i know my text messages scare dthe shit out of you.

well i think this is about it.

if you have any advice...i would love it.

peace.