4 am

How is it that I seem to be always broke?!?!

ugh.

For the 4th day in a row I am up again at an insane hour for no apparent reason. I have not been sleeping good and it is really starting to wear on me.

I am doing my vest...again...

I am so tired.

I worked 80.30 hours last week...and my pay check was a lot lower than I thought it was going to be...and its frustrating...looking at my bank account it looks like things that should have gone through like...days ago...went through yesterday which makes my pay check look smaller than it was...

because actually I got paid what i thought...things are just weird and confusing. if I didnt have rent and bills id be rolling in it. maybe i shouldnt have moved out...but the thought of going back home and living with dad is a whole lot worse than being broke and have no money.

Idk I guess im just worrying too much.

Im not saving as much as I'd like...and that makes me think of getting a second job and just working nights/weekends. Not b.c im in the red...it would just be nice to have a little bit extra cash in my bank account and in my wallet.

Im not sure if physically I could handle it...but maybe I should give it a try...im sure there are plenty of restaurants that are hiring.

Ive been doing a lot of thinking about the retreat with Nicole lately...and its got me rethinking some decisions that I was going to make. Which includes hanging out with certain people, and doing certain things. Which is a good thing...

I've decided that Im going to follow what Im learning about at church and not be on the wrong side of the bed, so to speak.

Right now, being single, its going to be super easy. I think...haha

Gods beginning to get to me I think...

Rawr. I hate being awake right now! I hate not knowing why im awake.

haha life is so crazy. i love it =)

so yesterday my roommate and I spent the day in the er. She was having an extreme bladder infection and was like...dying (not really but she was in a lot of pain) so we went to the er on post.

lord have mercy that place was crazy. I , of course, was wearing a mask (dont want their germs mixing with my cf, bad guju there) and people were so surprised to see that she was the patient and not me. that part was quite entertaining.

it took forever to get back to a room though...and once we did get a room we must have sat there for like an hour before we were finally saw by a nurse...and then another hour before a doctor finally came in.

so anyway, when the nurse came in, I asked her if it was ok if we closed the door (she has left it open for some reason) b.c i was tired of wearing my mask and with the door closed i could take it off. She went all stir crazy. She was like...if you have cf you shouldnt even be in the hospital with or without a mask. its so much safer and blah blah blah. I literally was like "im perfectly fine with a mask on, and im not gonna wait five hours our in my car when my friend is sick"

i understand that I have a lung disease and that germs are bad...but i know how to keep myself safe in a hospital...or out in the real world. I dont need to be coddled like a baby.

Germs are there whether in the hospital or at home. cant avoid them so im not gonna let them beat me.

but man...i was so exhausted yesterday...i had spent most of the night tossing and turning. after work i just went home and took a bath...best thing ever!! let me tell you...

ive been so lonely lately...but instead of turning to guys ive been enjoying it. I mean not really enjoying it...but embracing it. I know that I have lots to figure out before I can be in a decent relationship. or at least a relationship thats not destructive.

I think thats a step in the right direction. =)