Gotta love that first love...

So ive started dating this guy...i mean...i guess you could call it dating.

We've gone out a couple of times in the past week.

anyway...idk how i feel about him.

all i can think about when im with him is kody. and with my last boyfriend i didnt have this problem, sure I would think about him every once in a while...but not every single time like this. I mean quite literally...even when kissing him all i can think about is kody.

and im starting to think that id rather be with kody than I would with eddy...

which is really odd.

there just seems to be no spark there.

he told me that he liked me tonight, but thats the first ive heard.

the only compliments he has ever given me is that i have a great ass...and im a good kissser.

sure they are great compliments (must admit, im quite proud of the good kisser one) but what about things like, your beautiful, and you have great eyes, or an amazing smile, or a great laugh?!?

honestly when im with him i feel like im young (i guess i should...since he is 14 years my senior). and not like..."o he makes me feel young again" no... like...im back in high school naive and innocent and laughing at so many stupid things.

and im guessing thats not a good thing.

i mean...i know dating is supposed to be getting to know each other...but i feel like we arent. i feel like i know nothing about him.

and I dont want to just be a warm body to him ya know? because im not going to be sleeping with him. and idk...im scared thats all he wants.

im scared of getting hurt.

all i can think about is how much i got hurt...and how i can never let that happen again...or at least to hold off until someone is worth it. and idk...

i just dont think he is worth it.

and what sucks is that he is in my group of friends. I hate that. I did not want to get romantically involved with a friend in our group...why?!? b.c that shit gets awkward. and i need friends more than I need a freakin relationship.

all i want...is to get married and have kids. to be loved and to be challenged...and to be accepted...for just it all to fit.

idk what to do.

this could all just be because im hesitant to get hurt again.

who knows maybe he could be the only one for me!

he sure is the only person that has seemed to notice that im a female lately...

ugh.

i hate this.

I need an arranged marriage.

no i dont. i know id hate that. hahaha

bleh.

I hate kody.

I didnt realize how much until last night. I was talking with my friend (a different guy friend) about love and he was like...yeah its awesome...and i was like...yeah until they use you and take advantage of your innocence and say they never loved you and cut your heart open again and again and again...

and then i cried.

i mean seriously...its been what...2 years since we finished?

when is it gonna end?!?!

i dont want to hate him.

i dont want to remember him

i just want him and everything about him to be gone. all gone. gone gone gone gone GONE!!!!!

but its not. and i cant forget. and i cant forgive him.

i gave him the most important things to me. and he threw it straight back in my face.

how am i supposed to ever give someone my heart again?!?

how in the world am i supposed to trust anyone ever again?

i feel like im only wanted now for sex...and thats not what I want. I want more than that.

but if im uncapapble of loving someone...how can i expect someone to love me?