Tired of Fighting.

I had my CF appointment today.

And over all it went very well. My lung functions are up, my weights good, and I'm healthy. Quite proud of myself actually.

But despite all this good news, I still feel bad. My lungs hurt. In various places at various times. I have this horrible cough, and I dont get any sort of good night sleep.

But im healthy.

I dont feel healthy.

My dad and I were talking about it today.

Cfers usually start deteriorating in their 20's. And this cough and these lungs pains could be the new norm for me. That scares the shit out of me.

These pains hurt. My lungs hurt. It hurts to breathe. And that makes me not want to breathe, not want to keep fighting.

I have 40 year old lungs. Im only 20. how much longer are they gonna be able to hold on?!? And im young.

God I am soooo young.

Im scared.

Honestly today I just feel super scared.

I dont want to keep fighting this disease. It hurts!

I have an amazing life and I dont want to stop living it...but sometimes it hurts to smile, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to cover up how im feeling inside.

I just am so tired.

And it really feels like I have no one to talk to about this right now. All I wanna do is cry...

I really just want someone to hold me and say that its all gonna be ok...

A friend of mine that Im getting to know (dating in a way) said that if I were dying it would be sad b.c then we couldnt get to know each other anymore.

Idk why but that bothered me. There would be more sad reasons than that...and it sucks to even think about the fact that I am dying...b.c in all reality...i am! My life is halfway over (if CF is what kills me that is) I seriously have 40 year old lungs. (basically my lungs are 20 they just have to work double the normal amount to keep me healthy and living, same with the rest of my organs)

No one seems to understand this...

ugh.

its hard to explain it to my new friends. they dont know anything about it...just that i have it.

ugh.

i just want to cry so badly right now...and to have someone hold me and to tell me that they love me even though I have this god awful disease...even if it means i die before we have a chance to really live.