Breathe in and Breath out...

This past week has been crazy. Absolutely crazy.

It started off with last sunday (technically saturday..but didnt check mail till sunday)when I received paperwork from my hospital saying that they were taking my tax return to pay for bills from when I was 8...and i had no idea these bills existed.

Then Kody got engaged and that just didnt bode well.

Then my car decided that it would be fun to break down.

And then Franklin got sick...

And through all of this...my best friend didnt want to really talk to me about it. All I needed was just to vent and talk about all that was going on...and it seemed like she didnt want to hear it...just a bunch of one word responses...and that made me feel really shitty...esp since her boyfriend does not like me...im super worried that he is gonna influence her to not talk to me anymore...and i dont want that. I mean ... I know her life is super busy ... but we used to talk about everything and now we arent...i guess thats how long distance friendships go? idk ive just felt super lonely this week... (and i know your gonna read this kayla...i sent you a letter about it...im super tired of texting...and i know you are too...and that might be the problem. neither of us have time for long phone conversations... :/ )

With a lot of the people I hang out with...its like i cant ever talk talk about myself. it always has to go back to them. and sometimes I just wanna talk about me.

I wanna talk about whats going on in my life. Things with boys...or how im feeling about the weather...or how im feeling in general. So I guess you people on my blog will be my venting people.

First off...im not sleeping well. I have no been sleeping well for a while now...but this week has been especially bad. My mood is starting to get really bad...my appetite is gone...its just not good. i seem to have no problem getting to sleep (right now) but staying asleep and feeling rested are a different story...i feel so super tired all the freakin time. its like...the worst thing ever.

And not sleeping well is making me want to kill certain people. Like Eddy. This boy is driving me insane.

His (pretty much) best friend is now dating my roommate...so its like a me, Jonathan, Ramon, and Kristen thing all over again...anyway...the other night we had this whole...where is this relationship going talk...and we didnt decide anything b.c i fell asleep (he decided to bring it up at 1 o clock in the morning after i had already been asleep...bad timing...and it was in person...but i was not sleeping with him...i had fallen asleep at the kitchen table...we had all had a big meal...the 4 of us) but i had thought that i had made it perfectly clear that I did not want a relationship and that I wanted to focus more on being friends. but I do not think that that went through his brain. Though I definitely do not act that interested...he still does things like kiss me or rub my leg things like that...even though i make it obvious i dont want him doing that...i dont think he is too bright? or maybe is worried about it being awkward with lauren and aaron if we were just friends. idk i think it would be more awkward if we tried to date. esp since he is getting on my nerves.

but last night! omg...i wasnt feeling good and had gotten like no sleep the night before...he had taken me home from trivia (my cars still in the shop...OMG talk about stressful) and when we got hom aaron was trashed so they pretty much went straight to bed when we got home. well laurens room is a loft...so you can hear what goes in in the living room. needless to say ... I wanted to go to bed. But Eddy would not leave.... he was making awkward comments to them two while things were going on... and im sitting at the table telling him that I want to go to bed...that im not feeling well...please leave. and he would not leave. it was like he wanted to listen to them two ... or sit on the couch awkwardly... i guess i could have just gone to bed...but that seemed really weird. idk...than he came over to the table (i wouldnt go sit on the couch with him) and just stared at me...come on dude...thats creepy. then he started saying that i should go to bed...then leave and let me!!! god...

and i want to be friends with this guy...but he is starting to drive me insane. the four of us have a lot of fun as a group...but its just not a good thing for me and him to be dating. i am no where near any place in my life for a serious relationship and that is what he is looking for. he has no other choice. he has a son that is 10 years old. thats half my age. im closer to his sons age than to his. its really weird.

so thats that....

and then... my dad.

He has been extremely helpful when it comes to my car not working this past week...picking me up and taking me to work. But every time I see him we have the same conversation...hows school...when are you going to make more money...is your mom going to help you out at all.

I mean come on...it should not matter to him if my mom is going to help me or not. just like it shouldnt matter to her. but to them...its a competition. and it drives me insane...if i need help with something...than it should not matter if one parent is gonna help me more than the other...your focus should just be on helping me!!! and while i am completely grateful for the help that they have given me...its sooo stressful for there to be competitions every time ... and its like there is no other way for my dad.

Moms gotten a lot better at not doing it.

My mom. She has been completely awesome!!! I got to see her on Saturday night...and on Sunday. and Tuesday =) She has been a great source of stress relief for me this weekend. I love her oobers much. And I know that we have our problems and are still working on them...but I feel like we are doing really well.

I miss my sisters =( It seems like we never hear from Nicole anymore... I found out that my BIL is going to Africa from my dad...which is super weird. And Della and I try to talk at least once every other day. I miss those two. I wish I had time to go see them...but I've got to work. Gotta work to make money to pay the bills. lol

So I think that that is the gist of whats been driving me nuts lately...Im sure after I post this Ill find other things. lol

Thanks for listening anonymouse people of the internet = )

Screw people.

Back in 2009 i get really sick and decided that it would be better for my health if i quit my job and focused on my health and finishing school.

During that I applied for disability.

I was told that I had too much money in the back and was told that I needed to spend it and save the receipts showing that I spent it (was not allowed to just take it out of the bank)

Did that...and still denied. I was told that I was too healthy.

What the hell.

I have Cystic Fibrosis.

Last I checked there was no cure and that its gonna kill me.

So basically what the government is telling us is that people who dont need it can get it but the people that actualy need it are either denied or have to go through so much shit to get it.

Today (technically yesterday) I received a letter from my hospital saying that because of outstanding bills the NCDOR has taken my state tax return and given it to UNC to pay off my debt to them.

Woah.

What debt!?

I have paid for everything that my insurance didnt cover...

I should not have had any debt.

Looking over the description of the bills...

1rst account - yr 2000
2nd- 2005
3rd-2009
4th- 2009
5th- 2009

so the bills that they took my money for were from 3-12 years ago.

How can this be rigth?!?! no one ever told me that I had any bills.

I had not received any notices.

Why is our government allowed to just take my hard earned money and place it towards bills that are from ages ago?!?!? I wasnt even 18 at the time of the bills!!!

If someone had even told me about these bills I would have paid them. but no. they decided that it would be way more fun to be all like... SURPRISE you dont get your money! haha stupid bitch...think she can get her money.

omg.

can someone please tell me that this is not our government.

that this is not my hospital.

And whats worse is that there is probably nothing that I can do about it.

Im never going to see that money. Money that I had to pay for. Sounds crazy...but state taxes arent free to get done.

This is so fuckin stupid.

I am so upset over this. How is this fair?!?! I am a good citizen...I pay my bills on time. I pay all of my shit to UNC. They should have just called me or sent me a bill for these.

But you know what?!? They knew that I would fight them b.c of how old they are. maybe not the 2009 ones...but the ones from 2005 and 2000? yeah those should not be there. and why they hell would they not send me bills?!?! they send me my co pays and all the other ones all the time. they repeat and repeat and repeat until I pay them...

I just dont understand.

Why does this have to happen to me?!

I mean sure its just money and in the long run it aint that important...but what other bills are they going to make up later on down the road and screw with me again?!?!

How can I trust my hosiptal?!? The place that takes care of me...

All I know is that if this doesnt get fixed im switching hospitals. I dont want to...but if they are going to continuously fuck me over... I want nothing to do with UNC.

UGH

I really hate this...

All I seriously want to do is cry...cuddle...and cry.

I dont understand people.

I just dont get people.

Why do so many people think that they have to hurt others all the time!?

The lady that I used to call my step mom loves to do everything in her power to tear me down and see that im hurt.

All because I have a relationship with my father. Though the more he chooses her and not defending me to her and stuff the less of a relationship that we are going to have.

Im sick of this drama.

Its part of the reason I moved out.

I just cant comprehend the amount of hatred that a person must have to be able to say things that hurt people. I seriously just dont get it.

Ive never done a thing to her but try and have a relationship with my dad which is obviously not gonna work out.

Its super depressing.

I wish I could comprehend any little bit of what goes on through her head. Just to understand why she hates me so much for being my dads daughter.

Why am I the only one that gets attacked?!?!

Why does my dad not ever stand up for me? its always just ignore her. that never works.

Idk i just dont get it.

I dont want this drama. I dont know why anyone would.

Why would he?!?!

He is not a bad guy. He is a little messed up, but he isnt ugly...idk why he feels he has to settle with this crazy bitch. probably b.c she would kill him if he ever fully broke up with her.

people can just be so cruel. and so selfish.

its soooo stupid.

Tired of Fighting.

I had my CF appointment today.

And over all it went very well. My lung functions are up, my weights good, and I'm healthy. Quite proud of myself actually.

But despite all this good news, I still feel bad. My lungs hurt. In various places at various times. I have this horrible cough, and I dont get any sort of good night sleep.

But im healthy.

I dont feel healthy.

My dad and I were talking about it today.

Cfers usually start deteriorating in their 20's. And this cough and these lungs pains could be the new norm for me. That scares the shit out of me.

These pains hurt. My lungs hurt. It hurts to breathe. And that makes me not want to breathe, not want to keep fighting.

I have 40 year old lungs. Im only 20. how much longer are they gonna be able to hold on?!? And im young.

God I am soooo young.

Im scared.

Honestly today I just feel super scared.

I dont want to keep fighting this disease. It hurts!

I have an amazing life and I dont want to stop living it...but sometimes it hurts to smile, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to cover up how im feeling inside.

I just am so tired.

And it really feels like I have no one to talk to about this right now. All I wanna do is cry...

I really just want someone to hold me and say that its all gonna be ok...

A friend of mine that Im getting to know (dating in a way) said that if I were dying it would be sad b.c then we couldnt get to know each other anymore.

Idk why but that bothered me. There would be more sad reasons than that...and it sucks to even think about the fact that I am dying...b.c in all reality...i am! My life is halfway over (if CF is what kills me that is) I seriously have 40 year old lungs. (basically my lungs are 20 they just have to work double the normal amount to keep me healthy and living, same with the rest of my organs)

No one seems to understand this...

ugh.

its hard to explain it to my new friends. they dont know anything about it...just that i have it.

ugh.

i just want to cry so badly right now...and to have someone hold me and to tell me that they love me even though I have this god awful disease...even if it means i die before we have a chance to really live.

Gotta love that first love...

So ive started dating this guy...i mean...i guess you could call it dating.

We've gone out a couple of times in the past week.

anyway...idk how i feel about him.

all i can think about when im with him is kody. and with my last boyfriend i didnt have this problem, sure I would think about him every once in a while...but not every single time like this. I mean quite literally...even when kissing him all i can think about is kody.

and im starting to think that id rather be with kody than I would with eddy...

which is really odd.

there just seems to be no spark there.

he told me that he liked me tonight, but thats the first ive heard.

the only compliments he has ever given me is that i have a great ass...and im a good kissser.

sure they are great compliments (must admit, im quite proud of the good kisser one) but what about things like, your beautiful, and you have great eyes, or an amazing smile, or a great laugh?!?

honestly when im with him i feel like im young (i guess i should...since he is 14 years my senior). and not like..."o he makes me feel young again" no... like...im back in high school naive and innocent and laughing at so many stupid things.

and im guessing thats not a good thing.

i mean...i know dating is supposed to be getting to know each other...but i feel like we arent. i feel like i know nothing about him.

and I dont want to just be a warm body to him ya know? because im not going to be sleeping with him. and idk...im scared thats all he wants.

im scared of getting hurt.

all i can think about is how much i got hurt...and how i can never let that happen again...or at least to hold off until someone is worth it. and idk...

i just dont think he is worth it.

and what sucks is that he is in my group of friends. I hate that. I did not want to get romantically involved with a friend in our group...why?!? b.c that shit gets awkward. and i need friends more than I need a freakin relationship.

all i want...is to get married and have kids. to be loved and to be challenged...and to be accepted...for just it all to fit.

idk what to do.

this could all just be because im hesitant to get hurt again.

who knows maybe he could be the only one for me!

he sure is the only person that has seemed to notice that im a female lately...

ugh.

i hate this.

I need an arranged marriage.

no i dont. i know id hate that. hahaha

bleh.

I hate kody.

I didnt realize how much until last night. I was talking with my friend (a different guy friend) about love and he was like...yeah its awesome...and i was like...yeah until they use you and take advantage of your innocence and say they never loved you and cut your heart open again and again and again...

and then i cried.

i mean seriously...its been what...2 years since we finished?

when is it gonna end?!?!

i dont want to hate him.

i dont want to remember him

i just want him and everything about him to be gone. all gone. gone gone gone gone GONE!!!!!

but its not. and i cant forget. and i cant forgive him.

i gave him the most important things to me. and he threw it straight back in my face.

how am i supposed to ever give someone my heart again?!?

how in the world am i supposed to trust anyone ever again?

i feel like im only wanted now for sex...and thats not what I want. I want more than that.

but if im uncapapble of loving someone...how can i expect someone to love me?

my 2 k's

I MISS MY BEST FRIENDS


Best Friend #1:

o my goodness I cant believe how much I miss her. Today I spend the day with her mom.

Her mom has disabilities and could not drive to her appointment on her own so I took the day off and drove her. It was a lot of fun, I almost started crying when I walked in her house. OMG it looks so different. Her mom has completely cleaned out her house. it looks super different, but totally in a good way. not as much clutter. but omg do I miss going over there and hanging out with my that girl.

Things have been so different since she moved. Its been almost a year. its so crazy to think that she has been gone that long.

Ive made some great friends since then, but no one can replace my best friend.

We are soo alike, its so weird not having her right down the street, or just a phone call away...Im super happy for her, and the life she is making for herself. but i miss her!!!!!

Im so super glad to call her my best friend. idk what I would do without her.

Best Friend #2

I sometimes wonder if she doesnt like me anymore b.c of how close I am with Kayla. I try not to read into the things she says on fb...or the things she does, but its soooo hard.

She was my ultimate best friend in high school and we helped each other through soooo much!! I was there for her when all the stuff with her brother was going down, and she was with me with all of my grandparent problems and with everything else that went down.

We would spend every weekend at her house. (I didnt like being at mine)

We would watch One Tree Hill and just talk. It was such fun. I was so close to her and to her family. They were my second family.

And all of a sudden she doesnt like me anymore. Says that she just needs to figure out her life and until then she could use some time from me.

I know that it probably has something to do with the fact that she is dating my ex boyfriends best friend. But that doesnt bother me...but it might bother her. idk. i just dont understand it at all.

I miss her though

I miss the times that the three of us would have together. I miss just our little group, and the way we were all at easy with each other.

I know that Ive made some great friends now.

Erika and I have never been closer. She is definitely one of my best friends. And Megan is the greatest ever! One of my best friends to.

These four girls are the girls that I would turn to for anything.

And it hurts that I might have done something to turn one of them away from me.

I have so much good in my life now, that I know that I dont need the stress and the drama of a relationship like this one...but it still hurts ya know?

o well.

anyway...

I had a great day today =)

had fun with the bestys mom...then had a great date with Eddy...and its not time for bed!!

Good night my loves =)

True Friends

Wow! I am soooo blessed to have amazing friends in my life.

A fellow cyster of mine has been having friend problems...pretty much the people that she was considering to be her friends are not continuing to be her friends b.c she is getting sick and having to be in the hospital so she is unable to hang out.

I absolutely hate people that do that. They are obviously people that arent worth anything and should be shot.

ok maybe not that extreme but it pisses me off.

one of the excuses kody used to end our relationship was that he couldnt be in the navy and have a wife that has cf. coward.

they are all cowards.

having cf does not mean that we are any less capable of having friends, or not wanting friends.

we want friends

we want people that are going to hang out with us when we are sick or not...when we feel great...or when we feel bad. We want friends that are going to look past the cf and see us for who we are!

i do not understand what is so hard about that.

cf is not who we are.

I am so blessed to have such amazing friends.

first of all...is my best friend. We have been friends since high school but got super close after. And she knows everything about me...its hard now since she now lives FAR AWAY ... but i still love her and cant wait till im not broke and can go visit her. but every time i have a problem with cf or am not feel well...she does everything she can to understand...and i know its not always easy for her.

and then there are my new friends.

I started hanging out with these people last september, so yeah a bit of time but not really that long. they know that i have cf but they only know what ive told them or if they ask any questions. but man...are they awesome. last night i was not feeling good , having trouble breathing, and they just accepted that and told me that if i needed anything to not hesitate to call.

these people have had the easiest lives possible...and they are still ok with hanging out with diseased and damaged me. how could i have gotten so lucky?!?!

some people are just ignorant and stupid.

and i hate that my friend is having to go through this. We all need friends. I just wish there was a way that I could help her out besides talking over the internet.