and then there is Franklin...

So for the past 4 days I have been battling what I think may have been the flu, thankfully I am finally getting better and it does not seem to have moved into my lungs which is always the biggest worry anytime I get sick. Yay cf. But for some reason its made me feel super lonely. Idk why. I guess b.c I (like most people) like to be taken care of once in a while and I am just hating being single right now. And not only am I single, but Im single with no options. Its like I cant get any guys what so ever! And it really makes me wonder whats going on. Am I really that ugly?!? Or that unapproachable?!? Sometimes I just dont get it. I know I'm not ugly. And even if I was, I am very happy with the way I look, and I dont need someone in my life that doesnt like/love me for the way I look. Its just so freakin hard to find a decent guy. And looking at my life I know I dont need one. My life is GREAT!!! I have the best roommate, an amazing apartment (that is away from all the stress of my family and each one of their craziness). The best job anyone could EVER ask for. I mean seriously, I dont think there is any other job to beat mine. I have the best bosses, and Im steadily learning all about sales and running a business and am excelling in the musical knowledge department, also in the selling department. Im learning so much....and loving every second of it! I have made some amazing friends, though they are older than me, they still seem to be great people and would help me out if I ever needed anything. I have an amazing best friend, and though she lives in Arizona now, I know if I needed her she would do everything in her power to be there for me in any way that I needed... plus, besides this random bout with the flu, my health is great! and then there is Franklin. He is the best cat ever. and I know people (mainly my friends...haha) say that loving this cat makes me a crazy cat lady, but he is truly awesome. He knows just when Im upset and needs some loving...or when i just need his company. he is truly the best cat ever. except for when he decides to try and escape into the great unknown which is actually just the front door. This is the longest I have been single since I started dating. And im guessing that I just need to learn how to be single and to deal with the lonelyness...but im tired of having to deal with it. I feel like thats all Ive been doing. anywho. Im soooo blessed in my life and all that has been going on...even the little stupid stuff like me hitting my roommates car. haha i know that I will meet someone special sometime soon, whether its this month, next , next year or who knows. Im gonna push through it, and enjoy this time with my friends and family. o. and focus on finishing my business degree. bleh. accounting...i am not looking forward to that class!!!! have a great night yall =)

grateful complaining!?!

So CF has always been put on the back burner for me. Ive always been extremely healthy. I only go in the hospital for tune ups about once every 4-5 years. My weight is fine (a little too fine if you ask me...could be lower) and my lungs great...FEV1's in the 100's.

But lately I havent been feeling good...lots of lung pains, coughing, shortness of breath. Ive been put on cipro and tobi twice this year...but on thursday when i have my doc app im almost positive my FEV's will still be in the hundreds...or at least in the high 90's.

I hate when I dont feel good. When my lungs feel like they are tearing with every breath. But it happens so rarely that when it does I complain...and im whiny...and im pathetic.

I ask myself all the time, how is it you are complaining when about these tiny problems when there are other cfers (my sisters included in this) that would kill for lung functions as amazing as mine, would kill for my extra weight...are dying to get it.

I know i should be so grateful that Im as healthy as I am...and i am grateful...i guess its just confusing for me. I feel so normal so much of the time...that when cf comes a knocking i lose it...Im reminded every day by the pills and the treatments that I still have cf...and yet I feel like most of the time I dont. especially since when I dont feel good the doctors dont take the fact tha ti dont feel good seriously b.c my lung functions are so high and my weight is good...what do I have to be 100 lbs and almost dying to get treated?!?

I found this poem on some website by a cyster...it seems to fit perfectly for me


Standing in the crossroads
Amidst two paths of life
The life she was given
And the life she wishes she could have
She looks so �normal� to everyone
Yet looks can be deceiving
The CF lurks like a shadow across a wall
Always following
She can�t figure out where she belongs
Too sick to be healthy
Yet too healthy to be sick
What some might call a blessing
She calls her everlasting burden
One path leads her to her bond with her CF family
The other to her dream of acting normal and denouncing her disease
She doesn�t know which way to go
The CF is a part of her
It makes her who she is
Even within the depths of her mild case
She knows she is the black sheep
And doesn�t know which path to take
Her fear of being the sole survivor of her terrible disease
Pushes her toward taking the �healthy� path
But to deny who she is and all she has become because of her CF
Pulls her back into reality
She is standing in the crossroads
Amidst the two paths of her life
She realizes she is stuck between both worlds
As an outcast
Neither fitting one or the other
Her body belongs to one path
Her spirit the other
She realizes she will never really know which path is right for her
Her heart only tells her one thing
Her spirit will last much longer than her body ever could.

FML

so found out today that my sisters and i have to be 3 feet apart from here on out. this blows.

i deal just fine with all of the shit that comes with cf.

the countless hospital visits

the needles

the meds

the pain

that stupid death sentence...

but telling me that i cant be close to my sisters...or if i wnat to be i have to wear a mask?!?!

im sorry but im not that strong.

my sisters are the two people that understand everything about me and our cf. They know me...

i cant handle this.

im sick of feeling lik ei have to chose betweena normal life and the cf life.

i just want everything to be normal

i just want my sisters

all you people take advantage of the fact that you have this life with out (virtually) no hassles.

sure we all have our troubles, and im not saying that mine are greater...this just really sucks right now.

i know that we will be able to work around this...and will still see each other.

it just really really blows.

my sisters are the most important people to me

i feel like no one really understands what im going through.

i wanted to throw/ break something soooooooo bad earlier when i found out. I sat in the piano room at work and just cried.

god.

i hate hate HATE this.

Turkey day 2011

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

Today has been a great and an interesting day.

There are so many things that I am thankful for...

1. that my family is all healthy and alive
2. I got an amazing job with amazing coworkers/bosses.
3. I have the best friend in the whole world and I dont know what I would do without Kayla.
4. I have made new friends that are pretty damn awesome.
5. I got an amazing cat named franklin.
6. School is amazing
7. Im healthy.

there of course is a lot more.

but man...there have been some interesting things happen this year.

Ive gained friends...lost one that i feel was way too important to lose...and moved on with my life.

anywho... hope you all had a great thanksgiving =)

Lady Antebellum

"Ready To Love Again"

Seems like I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognize my own reflection, no
Scared of love but scared of life alone

Seems I've been playing on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

Just when we think that love will never find you
You runaway but still it's right behind you, oh
It's just something that you can't control

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down

It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, I'm ready to love again


<3

get a clue

so yeah..

u broke up with me

then led me on for a month and a half

went on a date 2 weeks after we broke up

and i go on two dates about 4 months after we break up

am finally getting happy again

and im moving on fast?!?

get a clue dummy

im not gonna wait around for you to decide im worth it

because i am worth it

and someone else is gonna realize that

and no...i havent moved on fast

in fact im still having issues with you

but im not gonna let you hold me back

loneliness

so im extremely lonely right now.

i hate being lonely. it makes me really miss him.

i know i shouldnt, i know that he didnt treat me as he should (after we broke up). But i Still love him. I miss my best friend. I miss the fun we used to have.

When Im lonely like this I think alot about what went wrong with our relationship, and i still havent come to any concrete conclusions.

I know that I had issues with jealousy, and was way too snoopy. He needed his privacy and I didnt give it to him. I guess I have trust issues as well.

Im scared to move on. I dont want to have a life without him. Im letting him go, and im moving on. but i hate how its ended...i hate how im feeling.

riding solo...yay me...

im sitting here on my couch while he is with his ex gf...who cheated on him...what does she have that i dont? i never cheated on him...never came close! he came close to cheating on me...

i dont understand love. i know ive grown up a lot in this past year.

but i wish i didnt have to go through this.

if i ever get suicidal...it will be becuase im lonely. i cant stand this feeling...

its probably why in high school i pretty much always had a bf...cant stand being lonely.

part ofme wants to get in a relaitonship now...but im no where near ready...just flirting with other guys makes me cry

but im not crying now. and thats an improvement...i cant say anything about later...but im not now. and thats what is important.

sigh

this too shall pass...

right???