I praise God for Ronnie Coleman

This morning when I woke up, both of my sisters were awake. This is definitely not normal at 6 am. Nicole was like hey come here, i had to start my med first. When I got in there she gave me the news. Uncle Ronnie had died last night.

Im not even sure what my first thought is. I just know that I praise God that now he is no longer in pain. And he is with his best friend, his father, his savior, his Jesus.

Uncle Ronnie was the one of the most amazing Christians I have ever met. This man is so on fire for the Lord. I could never fathom how much he loved Jesus. Everything he did was did for God. Of course he wasnt perfect but he tried to live like Jesus, and got pretty darn close to it.

He was an amazing friend. He was always willing to help out a fellow church goer or anyone that needed help. He lent us his house one time when we were homeless, He has given up his time to help so many people its impossible to list all of it.

Uncle Ronnie was an amazing father, and grandfather. He raised the some of best Christian men, and one of the best Christian female around. His children loved him. He loved them! HE would have done anything to help them out.

He had the best wife. Wherever he faulted, she would be the one to pull through. They were the perfect team! You could tell that they loved each other so much. I hope when I get married, our love is like theirs. They are amazing together!

My Uncle Ronnie touched so many lives. Its hard to see my life without him. I wish I could have been able to give him one last hug, one last kiss, to hear him say that he loved me and was praying for me one last time. But I am praising God for the image of him that I do have. Happy, healthy, and praising his Holy Father! And he wouldn't want it any other way.

I love you so much Uncle Ronnie! I know that you are in heaven looking down on us and praising God with everything that is in you!

You are finally cancer free, and will now wait for the rest of us to come and join you so that once again, we can worship together!

I will always miss you!!

Captivating.

So every Thursday we have been having a bible study at my house. We have been reading the book, Captivating. Nicole had been pestering me for weeks to read this book and about how it would help me and blah blah blah. AT the time that was what I was thinking.

Ever since I got out of the hospital, my thoughts have been different. For some reason, I feel like Ive grown up a little. I think that God used the AFB to help me see what I've been doing wrong in my life. Well, just things that aren't safe or really Godly.

Since starting to read this book a lot of other things have also been brought to my attention. In chapter three of this book, it says

"Fallen Eve controls her relationships. She refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control. She becomes a woman 'who doesn't need anyone- especially a man.' How this plays out over the course of her life, and how the wounds of her childhood shape her heart's convictions are often a complex story, on worth knowing. But beneath it all, behind it all, is a simple truth: women dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability. Far from God and far from Eden, it seems a perfectly reasonable way to live. But consider also this: 'Whatever is not from faith is sin' (Rom. 14:23 NKJV). That self-protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving, and nothing to do with deeply trusting God. It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world."

This paragraph really stood out to me for some reason. I still cant really pin point why it would stand out to me. I know I like to be in control. I've always been "Miss Independent". I used to say that if there was a way that I could reproduce without a man, I would. Because I felt that I didn't need one. I could run and control my own life.

I applied this thought to my relationship with God. I didn't need him. He was just a big heavenly being that created us all and killed of his son for us messed up people. Why did I have to rely and need a guy like that?

Through reading this book, I've come to see that I do need God. I cant run my life on my own. Sure i'm not perfect at this...I mean...I definitely still want control...but I think that slowly and surely (over the last couple of weeks) I've been trying to give God the reigns.

This morning as I was walking to my class, I had...I guess you could say a revelation. It was such a beautiful morning. I mean...mountain gorgeous! the leaves were perfect color and the sky was just amazing! A couple of things popped in my mind as I was trying to pray.

1) "And I stand, in awe...of you!!! Jesus, and I stand in awe in awe of you! That song popped in my head...I mean...i Was just in awe at the scenery around me.

2) God is beautiful. He creates/created beautiful creations. And which in turn...means that I am beautiful.

I almost started crying right there. I do believe that I accepted what Captivating has been trying to teach us. That I am beautiful because God is beautiful, and I am created in his image! HOw awesome is that?!

I've been trying for a long time to accept this. I do believe that my heart has accepted it...I just need to keep reminding myself it so I don't forget!

I am beautiful! and God loves me...more than I'll ever know!

dont know how to retitle this.

i dont even know what to say right now.

So i thought that i was doing a good job of taking care of myself, going to all my classes, working hard at my job, being responsible. but no. I obviously wasnt. so here is what has happened in the past week.

saturday night i went to kristens bday party. hung out with all of my friends, and made new ones. sunday, went to church, then went back to kristens for her birthday. i brought her lunch. i was udner the impression that i was going to dinner with my parents. but no. so that was obviously mistake number 1.

monday(tuesday) comes along. mom texts me earlier in the day and says lets get together. im all for it. i never hear from her again. so im at home alone and decide i want to do something. so i contact my friends. mistake #2. miniature golfing is bad.

wednesday. I had the biker girl church "bible study" after that, I went to hooters with friends. Marcel, Brian, Kristen, Ramon, and Junious. Mistake #3

Friday. I went to a club. i danced dirty. i didnt get home until fucking 430. had the time of my life. enjoyed hanging out with my friends. though most of them were drunk. it was still awesome. they made my 18th birthday great.

saturday. who knows what i did.

sunday (today) went to church. did homework. went to papas wedding. then went to buffalo wild wings with marcel, enrique, ramon, big scott, maggie. this was obviously awful. mistake # 893027502973529035879023849320.

was (i guess) supposed to meet with della and mason at bww...didnt know this.

go home about 8. get home. chill with the sisters. then get ready for bed.

doing my treatments. and nicole comes in and gets on me about my "activities"

1030 comes around, and low and behold here comes the mother and stepfather. all big and bad in their bicker outfits. demanding to talk with me. so I go. and know that im in trouble. though i havent done anything.

they start lecturing me about my decions. and how i have been lying to them. which is not the truth. i have told them everything that i was doing. which they said that was a lie. and that i have been deceitful and twisting m y words around and manipulating everyone. i have smoked 5 cigarettes since saturday. i have slept with marcel, ramon, and big scott (not true...just according to my parents) and i have been hiding things from them.

aint this just fucking great. here i was thinking i was doing ok, and whoops!! silly me!! should have known that since you aint exactly like them and nicole that it was wrong.

they said that my friends aint true friends because they took me to these places. club, bar hooters, that are all "filled" with smoke.

I used to be the girl that hated when people smoked around her. i still dont like it. but i like to hang out with my friends and some of them smoke. its a free country. if they want to they can. but according to my parents this is all out of character of me. well mother if you didnt have your head stuck up some muffler you would see that i have become this person. there are other things in life besides motorcycles. but you guys dont even notice me unless im not conforming with your perfect little plans.

and because they dont know my friends it means that i have been hiding them from them. which is horrible. because they have to know everything about my life. they have to know my every move. so you know what mom. im going to text you whenever i do something. you are going to know when i do anything, from going to class to taking a shit. i dont give a fuck anymore.

according to phil, a child is not supposed to have secrets from their parents until abou t10-15 years after they move out of the house. what kind of shit is that?!?! i mean...they have never known everything about me. i hide tons of shit from them. there is so much stuff that no one knows about me. well kristen knows it all.

so i wish i was never born. im such a failure to my parents that i dont see any reason why i should live . i mean, i obviously cant please them. and i cant please anyone in my family. my life sucks ass anyway.

they seriously think that me being friends with the people i am now, is hazardous to my health. everything is hazardous to my health. and i am not della. i did not go on a drinking binge. i have been offered alcohol so many times in the past week...and has one oz touched my lips?? hell no. sure, i went to a couple of places that were loaded with smoke., my bad. would my doctors approve?? no. but i bet they also wouldnt approve of me not trying to live my life.

this sucks. i cant stop crying. like, i cant even put into words how much i am hurting right now.

and all this shit about God. he doesnt care about me. never has never will. there i said it mom! he doesnt care!! how do you even know he exists?!?! he aint never done anything in my life to prove it, and ive tried to talk to him. ive poured my heart out so many times to him. and no response. i dont know what ive done to him but he fuckin hates my guts.

i hate this. i hate feeling like this. you want me to be myself phil?!?! no masks?!?!? well you should see me when im with all my friends, that is when im truly myself, that is when im the happiest. but wait, i forgot. you did say that you were going to come the next time i went out with my friends. o wait i forgot that was mom.

doesnt anyone ever respect privacy anymore?!?!?!?!?

i dont know why i don tstand up to them. it is so much easier to just let them talk shit and make them happy then to stand up to myself.

i don teven know what to say anymore.

i could use a hug right now. or just any sort of physical contact with a human being.

i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

i dont know what to do. the smart thing would be to chuck all of my friends and be a lonely loser like nicole. a person that never leaves the house. that would make my parents happy. but yet, i cant ever do anything to please them so whats the fuckin point?!?!?

yeah i know...potty mouth...

i love you kristen. thank you so much for semi understanding. i know my text messages scare dthe shit out of you.

well i think this is about it.

if you have any advice...i would love it.

peace.

What is the big deal...when no one seems to notice the change??

Doesn't seem odd how every decision we make, had different consequences?? I mean, when you are thinking about your choices, does everyone picture the many different things that could happen?? I try not too...it freaks me out...and drives me crazy!! How is a person supposed to make any decisions with all that pressure being thursted upon their shoulders!! I mean, its bound to make a person falter...thats what I feel like. That I've been faltering. All my life it seems like ive had this presssure to please my parents and everyone around me. The choices that either I made or my mom made for me when I was little has shaped me to be who I am today. But is it the person I want to be?? Sometimes, I feel like such a hypocrit. Am I really the person that I portray myself to be?? IF I am, how come when its just me, I feel like a piece of flesh that God wasted his time on. Just taking up air and space. But sometimes, I feel like maybe, just maybe I have a purpose in this world. So what is the big deal?? Right now, the things that used to freak me out (college, sex, moving out) don't hold quite as much power over me as they used to. Sure I'm still scared of all of the above, but i've already taken two big steps. Im going to college and I've moved out. Though, sometimes it doesnt feel like it. So i was watching this movie on lifetime this evening called, Accepted. Its about these seniors in high school whose parents put so much pressure on them to get accepted into the college of the parents choice that they warp the childrens minds. Looking back on my senior year, my mom at first pushed me to get my applications in. Then once I got accepted into my school of choice, it was like college didn't exsist anymore. I guess I had this dream that me and her would sit down and look at scholarships and she would help me and remind me if I forgot and things like that. But once I got accepted, she went back to the old ruetine of forgetting that I exsisted. At least that is what it felt like. ANd this past week, i feel like she doesn't even care that I have moved out of her house. I mean she didn't even help me move out. When nicole went to college she cried her eyes out. Am I not as important?? HAve I not made you proud mom?? I have tried my best to accomplish all that you wanted me too...sure Im not perfect...and I know ive let you down...but have I ever made you proud?? Have my decisions about school and work pleased you?? I wish that you could be here holding me and helping me move into my room, sure its not at some fancy college, but it is out of your house. Your baby has left the nest and it seems like you didn't even notice. Why cant you just hold me while i cry?? Im scared to grow up!! Im scared to live away from you!! Im scared to go to college and work!!! Im scared that Im not going to live my life...im scared that im not going to make you proud...im scared of so many things. And yet, I cant talk to you about any of this. Because you will start preaching at me...and that is not what I want, and it is not what i need. Have you ever noticed when Im hurt or when im in pain?? You have always seemed to be preoccupied with something else, probably since the day I was born. I feel like i've never been important to you. I guess you could say that im just being childish...immamature...ungrateful...selfish...but throughout all of these feelings...my main thoughts are on you...have I ever hurt you with my decisions?? Have I ever disappointed you?? Why is it that Im always so worried about pleasing you that I forget about me? Should I renounce who I am and just live my life to please you?? Will that finally make you accept me, love me?? Or will it just remind you that you have 2 other daughters that you have to focus on? Nicole says that I shouldn't take it too personally...but how can I not?? I feel like ive always been pushed on the backburner and no one notices me! I just want to be noticed...I want to feel loved...appreciated...like im doing something worth while. I want to please God, my parents, my family my friends...my bosses my coworkers...but can I really please all of them? I try so hard...i feel like a failure...i always feel like a failure...and no one has ever told me that im not. Why does it seem like my life is centered on pleasing people?? I dont understand. I just want to be me!!! I just want to be noticed as the girl who is strong, but weak. The girl who all of her friends say she is pretty...but never feels it...wouldn't mind someone (random boys would be nice, or a certain one) to help her understand that she is pretty. I dont want to be another copy!! I want to stand out...to be noticed...to be remembered!! Will anyone remember me in 10 years?? Will my high school friends remember me?? Will my family?? Or willl I just fade from peoples minds?? To me that is the most depressing thought of all. I havent been able to get just one freakin boy out of my head since the first day i met him...but yet...he probably barely even recognizes my exsistence... i just need prayer...maybe these feelings come from the facct that i am growing up and it scares me...or i just may be finally losing my mind. Or i could be really tired...and pmsing...though its a week early...which would follow kristens lol like normal...but i guess yall didnt want to know all that...

I just want to feel special...loved...wanted...needed...accepted. Can you all do that for me??

September 11, 2001

Does anyone remember those movies?? The Two Towers and United 93, the ones about the events that happened on 9/11. Up unil today...i have never been able to watch them...i was scared i guess... So i came home exhausted and when i get that way i get weepy...so i wanted to watch a sad movie so i would cry...i guess i picked the right one...the damn thing hadnt even started yet and i was already crying. I remember that day. I was in 5th grade, Longhill elementary...it was my friends bday...almost my bday...was looking forward to turning...what...11?? At my school they didnt turn on the tvs like other schools...they kept everything as normal as possible, the only weird thing was that kids were getting checked out left and right all of a sudden. When i finally heard the news, i remember being frightened, my brother was in the reserves at the time...i knew he was going to have to fight...and i was scared that they would call my mom back into the military ( though that was a foolish thought...but i was little lol ). I never knew how much of an impact that would have on me. I mean look at me now..my best friends brother died because of it, her dad is currently in iraq because of it. My brother in law, and the kid that im dating will be deploying in august because of that God forsaken day. What is wrong with people anyway that these things cant be settled without fighting?? If Clinton had just killed binladen when he had the chance...this all could have been avoided!


But it did happen...so what now?? 8 years later, i finally get up the courage to watch a movie thats been out for 3 years, and i realized...how often do I tell my boyfriend that im proud of him?? how often does my brother in law know he is being prayed for?? What about all the other military men and women, do they know that the citizens of the United States are still backing them up?? Still supporting them and praying for them?? Do they know that we are proud of each and everyone of them??

I dont believe they do. See America has gotten lazy...this i am not proud of. I think, now that the war is drawing closer to being over with, people think that the troops dont need the encouragement. But they do...they always do. If they didnt have the people back home, what would they fight for? If they didnt feel our support, would they even make it home??

It seems unfair. Why did steven have to die?? so me and kristen could become best friends?? thats a horrible reason, so why did he have to die??

What about mr. ochsner?? Why was he killed??

What about all the other 2,794 people that were killed on 9/11...why did they have to die?? Because some foreign terrosist decided to screw over America??

I fell useless...I want to hurt all the people that hurt my country, my home, my family. But i cant do anything, but right a stupid, and pathetic blog.

I really need to get some sleep...

growing up

so for me...ive always looked forward to growing up. Being financially, physically, and emotionally responsible for everything that i need. But it seems like my parents wont ever let me. Here i am, almost 18 a high school graduate, and my mom doesnt trust me to be on my own. Today was my first day back at work after spending yesterday being responsible and running errands, o and spending some time with my sister and boyfriend. I was hanging out with some friends and she told me that i didnt have a curfew. Welll 10 o clock roles around and she completely changes her mind, i had to be home at 11. And if i didnt finish thank you notes before tomorrow i wouldnt be allowed to do anything at all this weekend. I have been home for two days, yesterday i had to buy thank you notes, and today i spent the day working. I dont understnad why i am forced to do everything right away, nicole and della never did. Well i got the thank you notes done. But it is still aggravating! why do i need a curfew?? ugh...why does she change her mind?? it really makes planning hard...

home at last

So yesterday me and kristen made the long journey home. It was definitely sad. I really didnt want to go! Well we safely made it to all of our flights (barely on one) and made it home with only minor scrapes and bruises .lol Which im just kidding...none of us got hurt...though i did hurt my shoulder but that was from carrying the vest...lol Today, thursday, was a day or remeniscing on our trip, and unpacking/resting. It was a pretty good day i must say! I unpacked, which doesnt usually happen on the first day back, then took a long and very enjoyable shower, it was heaven! Then i played grownup. lol i made a list of all the thank you notes i needed to write and a list of what i need at walmart. FUn stuff!! after this i had a splendid idea...lets have lunch with heather =) so me and my baby sister had lunch...it was enjoyable! Well i didnt want to be alone while i ran all my errands so she came with me, and we spent the rest of the day together =) it was so much fun! and i got to see josh for a little bit =D and that was pretty much my first day home...tomorrow it is back to the real world...got to work...all day long! i am not excited...