What is the big deal...when no one seems to notice the change??

Doesn't seem odd how every decision we make, had different consequences?? I mean, when you are thinking about your choices, does everyone picture the many different things that could happen?? I try not too...it freaks me out...and drives me crazy!! How is a person supposed to make any decisions with all that pressure being thursted upon their shoulders!! I mean, its bound to make a person falter...thats what I feel like. That I've been faltering. All my life it seems like ive had this presssure to please my parents and everyone around me. The choices that either I made or my mom made for me when I was little has shaped me to be who I am today. But is it the person I want to be?? Sometimes, I feel like such a hypocrit. Am I really the person that I portray myself to be?? IF I am, how come when its just me, I feel like a piece of flesh that God wasted his time on. Just taking up air and space. But sometimes, I feel like maybe, just maybe I have a purpose in this world. So what is the big deal?? Right now, the things that used to freak me out (college, sex, moving out) don't hold quite as much power over me as they used to. Sure I'm still scared of all of the above, but i've already taken two big steps. Im going to college and I've moved out. Though, sometimes it doesnt feel like it. So i was watching this movie on lifetime this evening called, Accepted. Its about these seniors in high school whose parents put so much pressure on them to get accepted into the college of the parents choice that they warp the childrens minds. Looking back on my senior year, my mom at first pushed me to get my applications in. Then once I got accepted into my school of choice, it was like college didn't exsist anymore. I guess I had this dream that me and her would sit down and look at scholarships and she would help me and remind me if I forgot and things like that. But once I got accepted, she went back to the old ruetine of forgetting that I exsisted. At least that is what it felt like. ANd this past week, i feel like she doesn't even care that I have moved out of her house. I mean she didn't even help me move out. When nicole went to college she cried her eyes out. Am I not as important?? HAve I not made you proud mom?? I have tried my best to accomplish all that you wanted me too...sure Im not perfect...and I know ive let you down...but have I ever made you proud?? Have my decisions about school and work pleased you?? I wish that you could be here holding me and helping me move into my room, sure its not at some fancy college, but it is out of your house. Your baby has left the nest and it seems like you didn't even notice. Why cant you just hold me while i cry?? Im scared to grow up!! Im scared to live away from you!! Im scared to go to college and work!!! Im scared that Im not going to live my life...im scared that im not going to make you proud...im scared of so many things. And yet, I cant talk to you about any of this. Because you will start preaching at me...and that is not what I want, and it is not what i need. Have you ever noticed when Im hurt or when im in pain?? You have always seemed to be preoccupied with something else, probably since the day I was born. I feel like i've never been important to you. I guess you could say that im just being childish...immamature...ungrateful...selfish...but throughout all of these feelings...my main thoughts are on you...have I ever hurt you with my decisions?? Have I ever disappointed you?? Why is it that Im always so worried about pleasing you that I forget about me? Should I renounce who I am and just live my life to please you?? Will that finally make you accept me, love me?? Or will it just remind you that you have 2 other daughters that you have to focus on? Nicole says that I shouldn't take it too personally...but how can I not?? I feel like ive always been pushed on the backburner and no one notices me! I just want to be noticed...I want to feel loved...appreciated...like im doing something worth while. I want to please God, my parents, my family my friends...my bosses my coworkers...but can I really please all of them? I try so hard...i feel like a failure...i always feel like a failure...and no one has ever told me that im not. Why does it seem like my life is centered on pleasing people?? I dont understand. I just want to be me!!! I just want to be noticed as the girl who is strong, but weak. The girl who all of her friends say she is pretty...but never feels it...wouldn't mind someone (random boys would be nice, or a certain one) to help her understand that she is pretty. I dont want to be another copy!! I want to stand out...to be noticed...to be remembered!! Will anyone remember me in 10 years?? Will my high school friends remember me?? Will my family?? Or willl I just fade from peoples minds?? To me that is the most depressing thought of all. I havent been able to get just one freakin boy out of my head since the first day i met him...but yet...he probably barely even recognizes my exsistence... i just need prayer...maybe these feelings come from the facct that i am growing up and it scares me...or i just may be finally losing my mind. Or i could be really tired...and pmsing...though its a week early...which would follow kristens lol like normal...but i guess yall didnt want to know all that...

I just want to feel special...loved...wanted...needed...accepted. Can you all do that for me??