What is the big deal...when no one seems to notice the change??

Doesn't seem odd how every decision we make, had different consequences?? I mean, when you are thinking about your choices, does everyone picture the many different things that could happen?? I try not too...it freaks me out...and drives me crazy!! How is a person supposed to make any decisions with all that pressure being thursted upon their shoulders!! I mean, its bound to make a person falter...thats what I feel like. That I've been faltering. All my life it seems like ive had this presssure to please my parents and everyone around me. The choices that either I made or my mom made for me when I was little has shaped me to be who I am today. But is it the person I want to be?? Sometimes, I feel like such a hypocrit. Am I really the person that I portray myself to be?? IF I am, how come when its just me, I feel like a piece of flesh that God wasted his time on. Just taking up air and space. But sometimes, I feel like maybe, just maybe I have a purpose in this world. So what is the big deal?? Right now, the things that used to freak me out (college, sex, moving out) don't hold quite as much power over me as they used to. Sure I'm still scared of all of the above, but i've already taken two big steps. Im going to college and I've moved out. Though, sometimes it doesnt feel like it. So i was watching this movie on lifetime this evening called, Accepted. Its about these seniors in high school whose parents put so much pressure on them to get accepted into the college of the parents choice that they warp the childrens minds. Looking back on my senior year, my mom at first pushed me to get my applications in. Then once I got accepted into my school of choice, it was like college didn't exsist anymore. I guess I had this dream that me and her would sit down and look at scholarships and she would help me and remind me if I forgot and things like that. But once I got accepted, she went back to the old ruetine of forgetting that I exsisted. At least that is what it felt like. ANd this past week, i feel like she doesn't even care that I have moved out of her house. I mean she didn't even help me move out. When nicole went to college she cried her eyes out. Am I not as important?? HAve I not made you proud mom?? I have tried my best to accomplish all that you wanted me too...sure Im not perfect...and I know ive let you down...but have I ever made you proud?? Have my decisions about school and work pleased you?? I wish that you could be here holding me and helping me move into my room, sure its not at some fancy college, but it is out of your house. Your baby has left the nest and it seems like you didn't even notice. Why cant you just hold me while i cry?? Im scared to grow up!! Im scared to live away from you!! Im scared to go to college and work!!! Im scared that Im not going to live my life...im scared that im not going to make you proud...im scared of so many things. And yet, I cant talk to you about any of this. Because you will start preaching at me...and that is not what I want, and it is not what i need. Have you ever noticed when Im hurt or when im in pain?? You have always seemed to be preoccupied with something else, probably since the day I was born. I feel like i've never been important to you. I guess you could say that im just being childish...immamature...ungrateful...selfish...but throughout all of these feelings...my main thoughts are on you...have I ever hurt you with my decisions?? Have I ever disappointed you?? Why is it that Im always so worried about pleasing you that I forget about me? Should I renounce who I am and just live my life to please you?? Will that finally make you accept me, love me?? Or will it just remind you that you have 2 other daughters that you have to focus on? Nicole says that I shouldn't take it too personally...but how can I not?? I feel like ive always been pushed on the backburner and no one notices me! I just want to be noticed...I want to feel loved...appreciated...like im doing something worth while. I want to please God, my parents, my family my friends...my bosses my coworkers...but can I really please all of them? I try so hard...i feel like a failure...i always feel like a failure...and no one has ever told me that im not. Why does it seem like my life is centered on pleasing people?? I dont understand. I just want to be me!!! I just want to be noticed as the girl who is strong, but weak. The girl who all of her friends say she is pretty...but never feels it...wouldn't mind someone (random boys would be nice, or a certain one) to help her understand that she is pretty. I dont want to be another copy!! I want to stand out...to be noticed...to be remembered!! Will anyone remember me in 10 years?? Will my high school friends remember me?? Will my family?? Or willl I just fade from peoples minds?? To me that is the most depressing thought of all. I havent been able to get just one freakin boy out of my head since the first day i met him...but yet...he probably barely even recognizes my exsistence... i just need prayer...maybe these feelings come from the facct that i am growing up and it scares me...or i just may be finally losing my mind. Or i could be really tired...and pmsing...though its a week early...which would follow kristens lol like normal...but i guess yall didnt want to know all that...

I just want to feel special...loved...wanted...needed...accepted. Can you all do that for me??

September 11, 2001

Does anyone remember those movies?? The Two Towers and United 93, the ones about the events that happened on 9/11. Up unil today...i have never been able to watch them...i was scared i guess... So i came home exhausted and when i get that way i get weepy...so i wanted to watch a sad movie so i would cry...i guess i picked the right one...the damn thing hadnt even started yet and i was already crying. I remember that day. I was in 5th grade, Longhill elementary...it was my friends bday...almost my bday...was looking forward to turning...what...11?? At my school they didnt turn on the tvs like other schools...they kept everything as normal as possible, the only weird thing was that kids were getting checked out left and right all of a sudden. When i finally heard the news, i remember being frightened, my brother was in the reserves at the time...i knew he was going to have to fight...and i was scared that they would call my mom back into the military ( though that was a foolish thought...but i was little lol ). I never knew how much of an impact that would have on me. I mean look at me now..my best friends brother died because of it, her dad is currently in iraq because of it. My brother in law, and the kid that im dating will be deploying in august because of that God forsaken day. What is wrong with people anyway that these things cant be settled without fighting?? If Clinton had just killed binladen when he had the chance...this all could have been avoided!


But it did happen...so what now?? 8 years later, i finally get up the courage to watch a movie thats been out for 3 years, and i realized...how often do I tell my boyfriend that im proud of him?? how often does my brother in law know he is being prayed for?? What about all the other military men and women, do they know that the citizens of the United States are still backing them up?? Still supporting them and praying for them?? Do they know that we are proud of each and everyone of them??

I dont believe they do. See America has gotten lazy...this i am not proud of. I think, now that the war is drawing closer to being over with, people think that the troops dont need the encouragement. But they do...they always do. If they didnt have the people back home, what would they fight for? If they didnt feel our support, would they even make it home??

It seems unfair. Why did steven have to die?? so me and kristen could become best friends?? thats a horrible reason, so why did he have to die??

What about mr. ochsner?? Why was he killed??

What about all the other 2,794 people that were killed on 9/11...why did they have to die?? Because some foreign terrosist decided to screw over America??

I fell useless...I want to hurt all the people that hurt my country, my home, my family. But i cant do anything, but right a stupid, and pathetic blog.

I really need to get some sleep...

growing up

so for me...ive always looked forward to growing up. Being financially, physically, and emotionally responsible for everything that i need. But it seems like my parents wont ever let me. Here i am, almost 18 a high school graduate, and my mom doesnt trust me to be on my own. Today was my first day back at work after spending yesterday being responsible and running errands, o and spending some time with my sister and boyfriend. I was hanging out with some friends and she told me that i didnt have a curfew. Welll 10 o clock roles around and she completely changes her mind, i had to be home at 11. And if i didnt finish thank you notes before tomorrow i wouldnt be allowed to do anything at all this weekend. I have been home for two days, yesterday i had to buy thank you notes, and today i spent the day working. I dont understnad why i am forced to do everything right away, nicole and della never did. Well i got the thank you notes done. But it is still aggravating! why do i need a curfew?? ugh...why does she change her mind?? it really makes planning hard...

home at last

So yesterday me and kristen made the long journey home. It was definitely sad. I really didnt want to go! Well we safely made it to all of our flights (barely on one) and made it home with only minor scrapes and bruises .lol Which im just kidding...none of us got hurt...though i did hurt my shoulder but that was from carrying the vest...lol Today, thursday, was a day or remeniscing on our trip, and unpacking/resting. It was a pretty good day i must say! I unpacked, which doesnt usually happen on the first day back, then took a long and very enjoyable shower, it was heaven! Then i played grownup. lol i made a list of all the thank you notes i needed to write and a list of what i need at walmart. FUn stuff!! after this i had a splendid idea...lets have lunch with heather =) so me and my baby sister had lunch...it was enjoyable! Well i didnt want to be alone while i ran all my errands so she came with me, and we spent the rest of the day together =) it was so much fun! and i got to see josh for a little bit =D and that was pretty much my first day home...tomorrow it is back to the real world...got to work...all day long! i am not excited...

Idaho day9= final day =(

Today started out like any other, me and kristen sleeping half the day away. I got up about 10, and was sad. I cant believe that today was our last day!! I really dont want this vacation to end! Throughout these 9 days i not only have gotten closer with my best friend, but have been able to get closer to people that i now really consider my family! I dont know what i would do without grandma, grandpa and mr bob. You three have come to mean so much to me! I really do not want to go home! Well, today all we did was pack. Then grandma took us out to a late lunch, where after that we went shopping, again! Then it was back home to repack and make sure we had all of our crap. Then we took to the couch to read our new books. Grandma was taking a nap because she was coughing like crazy! We started getting ready for out bbq around 6. I helped grandma cook the biscuits and shuck the corn, and of course kristen helpsed ;) lol. WE had a great time hanging with alisha and her parents, they are some really cool people! Dinner in itself was wonderfully yummy! AFter dinner it was chilling in the living room for a little, mainly us trying to stall. We really didnt want to leave. Finally it was time for goodbyes. I really did not want to say goodbye. Going home is great, but i didnt want to, i had found another home here and i wasnt ready to leave!!! I still aint... But alas, it must come to an end. Thank you so much grandma, grandpa, and mr bob for letting me invade on your homes and your lives! I have enjoyed myself so much! I will never forget anything that has happened in the past week. I am eternally grateful for everything and i cant wait to come back!!!

Kristen: Thank you so much for letting me come with you to visit your grandparents! I had so much fun! I know that we got on each others nerves sometimes lol but what are bestfriends for?? I enjoyed hanging out with you , and cant wait to see you at work on friday...actually i lied...i dont want to see you then! lol im just kidding. And hey at least we can say that we came back better friends then we were when we left, instead of enemies like we predicted! i love you so much krissie kinz!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

idaho day 7/8

So not much happened on day 7 and day 8. SUnday was day 7, and also fathers day. I got the chance to talk to both of my dads and even my grandpa. It was great. Me and Kris also had the amazing oppurtunity of cooking grandpa breakfast and linner!!! ok not breakfast...he cooked us breakfast, which it was quite an interesting affair since me and kristen insisted on taking showers first and he got tired of it lol. After dinner though we had a good time just hanging out with each other. WE watched M*A*S*H pretty much all day, except for when we watched the Italian Job which is the best movie ever! =) after dinner we made the move back to grandmas house. On the way, kris got sick, we are pretty sure that she is lactose intolerant, and we had extreme cheesecake for desert. But all is well now!

Monday was amazing!! Me and Kris slept till about, 10, then after that we did nothing but stay in our pajamas all day and watch the ocean 11, ocean 12, and ocean 13. in bewteen the first two movies we got hungry and drove to mcdonalds. Still in our pajamas. it was great!! a complete lazy day!!! the rest of the day was spend vegging on the sofa in our pajamas lol amazing!!

Idaho day 6 =)

so not much happened today. We woke up rather late (well like 9:30, 10). and then just waited aroun duntil grandpa came and picked us up =) by that time it was lunch and we had no idea what we wanted to do. We took the 45 minute drive to boise (which still does not seem like 45 minutes to me) and went straight to grandpas house where me and kristen immediately set to work. aka we laid down on the floor and worked on our blogs and updating the pictures from yesterday lol. we didnt know what else to do and we felt it needed to be done. That was when we decided to go to the movies. Somehow we convinced grandpa to take us to see The Proposal. We met up with grandpas girlfriend, ms patti and her oldest daughter sarah. She was a really cool girl =) i decided this when the previews came on for transformers two and she agreed with me when i said (kind of loudly) that shia labouf (sp) was hot!! and she helped me and kristen to gulp down a HUGE tub of popcorn, which i must add the popcorn here is not as tasty as the ones back home... Which reminds me...lol...at the popcorn counter kristen wanted to get candy and she made me choose, well i dont eat alot of candy so i dont care, well we argued for like 2 minute sover it and the dude behond the counter said that we were the most entertaining thing to happen all day. it was funny .lol random i know... well after the movie we went back home and have been vegging ever since =) im going to go to bed now so goodnight =) love you all!!!