Cf is stupid...plus I am bad at blogs.

So it has been a little over a year (almost exactly!) since I have last posted. Life has been super duper busy. Lets see...on a super quick update of what has been going on...um...basically nothing. haha the biggest thing would be the introduction of Patrick into my life which has been the biggest and best blessing I could have ever asked for!! He is by far the rock of my life. We have been dating for about a year now and not always easy but we adapted and learned and are stronger for it =) and isnt he just adorable?!?! Boy did I land a hot one!



And he is really helpful and understanding of the cf. He even came and stayed me during my last hospitalization. He encourages me to exercise and do all my treatments. He is truly the best. I am truly truly blessed!

O! We went to his home for Christmas. Which is Denver Colorado. I got to meet his family and see where he grew up =) That was a lot of fun. His parents are super awesome and it was sooo much fun. We went shooting, and saw movies, and just relaxed. Had a great vacation and a great Christmas!! Colorado is for sure a beautiful state!! I had never been there before and got to see a lot of things that I honestly had never thought I would see, or even of seeing.
These are just a few of the pics I took. It was definitely beautiful countryside!!



After getting back from Colorado, I went with my family down to Disney world for their Marathon weekend. My oldest sister was turning 25 and my mom 50 and they wanted to run the 13 mile. This is a pretty big deal since my sister wasnt supposed to make it that far. And it was a lot of fun!! I was so happy to see my sisters and my whole family together again. It gets lonely here without them. But that was so much fun. It was awesome to be in Disney again and I can't wait to go back!

It certainly got me motivated to start exercising and running. Which at my last doctors app my lung functions had gone up 3 points from when I had gotten my iv taken out back in august. But my health is really why I wanted to write this blog today. Last week I got a cold, and I have not been able to shake it. It has settled quite comfortably (for the cold) in my lungs. My cough is awful, and I cant get rid of it. My lungs feel like their functions have dropped at least 10% since I got this cold. I have been put on oral antibiotics...but this is really a downer for me.

I havent had the energy to go running...or do anything. Just typing this is wearing me out. I can't stand feeling this bad...and from a stupid cold. I am 22 years old. Why do I have to go through this?!? All I want to do is go home and cry. But anything like crying and laughing and laying down leads to coughing, which then leads to no breath. I can't even sleep without taking some sort of cough suppressant..or else i am up all night coughing. This is hell. And it depresses me. I don't want to go back in the hospital.

How do you even process feeling this bad!? I can't not work...I have to pay the bills...So staying home isn't an option...but working is not helping me to feel any better. Am I getting to that point in my cf life that I have to take a step back and focus just on my health? Sacrificing my job, and probably my mental health in order to stay home and take care of myself?! Is it getting there? Or is this just one of those fun times when I just got lucky and got the one virus that is going to land me in the hospital.

Idk its all so stupid. All I know is that I am exhausted and dejected and weak...and just need a pick me up. I get my meds today though so I am hoping that will help and I don't have to go into the hospital. Though I can't imagine cipro and tobi helping me...they never really do.

On a side note...my puppy, Hachi, is almost two. He is the other man in my life =) he is the best dog ever. haha

It's gonna be a long day.

My stomach has, once again, decided that it doesn't like food. Everything that goes into my stomach causes me a lot of pain.

And immediately I have to use the bathroom. It is the only way to get rid of the pain. Or at least manage it. When the pain had dulled I am left with the worst case of nausea.

If this happens to a lot of cfers I can see why they are so skinny. I don't want to eat anything. Every time I look at food all I see if pain or puking and I don't like either.

I have talked to my doctors about it...they have no clue what is going on. Or they don't seem to know? It isn't like it happens all the time...just randomly.

On top of that I haven't been sleeping well again and my lungs have been killing me. I have felt like I've had bricks on my chest. Going to work is getting to be a huge effort. I have a doctors app in March. Who knows what the results will be. I just got out of the hospital last November. I really hope I don't have to go back already.

Life goes on though! Other then my body doing bad life is good. School is going well. Work has been going good.

I've been missing my family a lot lately. And Kayla and Megan. It's hard being away from them. I feel like texting and phone calls aren't always enough, esp when you just need that extra hug.

I hope you guys have a great day :)

The beginning of new things.

It is the beginning of a new year, a new path, some could say even a new life. Idk, I am not a big fan of change, but I get this feeling that a lot is going to change this year, and I'm not so sure for the better.
A lot has happened since I last wrote. The stress of last year just kept me off and I was trying to keep life from completely exploding in my face. I managed to survive it ok. I have a new roommate now, Erika. She has been my friend for as long as I can remember. We know how to communicate better and I think that will be our saving grace, though she still does get on my nerves occasionally...haha but thats why I love her. Lauren and I are still friends, not as close as we used to be but I think we need that time apart to get over and move on from what happened with us. My relationship with my dad has deteriorated. He was arrested for fraud bc of money issues and there was a lot of things that happened with She who must not be named towards me and towards my grandma that I can't bring myself to forgive yet.
I got sick and was admitted for my first hospitalization in the adult clinic at UNC and well it was "exciting" to stay the least. Thanks to mom I didn't stay up there long...thank goodness...but getting on IVs and doing them on my own was definitely an experience I wasn't used to. But like all things I made it through it. I felt better then I had in a while once I got off, but unfortunately that lasted like a total of two weeks, and I was back to feeling bad in my lungs again. Welcome to the life of an adult cfer. I feel like my body just telling me that. What a pain! haha Even now as Im sitting here doing my treatments my lungs are screaming at me. It's stupid. I miss the days where I felt normal.

Anyway, so 2013! I feel a weird sort of dread towards it. I can't explain it. Already there have been a few Cfers that have died, and they are all super young too. Not even ten days into the new year and I'm already depressed about it. I have been on edge lately. Snappy with Erika, my bosses, my family. I have started to draw into myself and I'm not sure why. I just have his weird feeling. Kind of like I'm being followed, or someone is watching my every move. Like that picture above, I feel like everything I do is being scrutinized.
There seem to be a lot of people lately that have made comments or said something about the fact that I am single and not engaged or even have a boyfriend. We have customers that come in and say I spend too much time with my dog and not enough time with people. They are probably right, but I like my dog way better then most people these days. Besides my bosses and Erika and my mom there aren't many people I want to be spending a whole bunch of time with. I do miss Kayla and Megan. And spending time with Kim, Leanne, Tanya, and those girls. But they all have their lives together. I feel like I'm perpetually stuck in this life that is half grown up and half still a child.
Like with the guy that I currently have a crush on. His name is Ross, and he delivers Fed EX packages to my store. He is either 26-28, not exactly sure how old he is. Anyway, I think of my life and if I were ever to get the balls to ask him out, what would he think of my life? It isn't like I am completely put together. Sure I live on my own and support myself as well as two animals, but I don't necessarily know what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life. And I still act so childish sometimes that it even surprises me. Why would anyone want to be with a child? One day, I will get the guts to ask him out. He is super cute =) haha
There are a couple of things that I am going to try to do this year (and probably fail at). And be warned, these are not resolutions. The minute you say it is, you stop doing it. haha I want to keep up with this blog better, maybe right at least once a week. It is the beginning of a year! So many new things can happen this year...its exciting. like a new adventure! Also, Erika and I have started exercising. Been doing kick boxing and yoga. Switch them up every day. This is a good thing for my health. My docs are gonna be super excited once they learn I have been exercising. Plus I want to get my body in nice shape for my cruise in June! See lots of excitement this year all ready =)

It's Time For A Change

O no...here comes the rant again...haha o well...what are blogs for if not to rant and rave about the little things in life right?!

So since I have last written, my dog has had 10 puppies and they have grown up and we have given them all away but two. So I now have two dogs and a cat and my roommate has two dogs and a cat. This had caused some very creative ways of keeping the house clean. Basically we don't

And by the time I get home from work the last thing i wanna do is clean. But Ive been doing it. She hasnt. Now that school has started she has something to do three days a week, but before then she didnt do shit during the day...

And i have been paying for everything and handling everything and just doing everything.. and I am sick and tired of it. I am going to school full time, and working full time.

When we first moved in together I would work and she would clean. I didnt mind paying for things when she was doing that. Bc she was contributing. Now she doesnt do anything, and I do it all. I am going insane. I am tired of cleaning...tired of working..tired of having to pay for everything!

All I wanna be able to do, is come home and work on training my puppy, I dont want to have to spend thirty minutes every day cleaning piss out of my carpet or off the kitchen floor. it gets super old after a while.

my house is a mess, my roommate seems mad at me all the time (and for no reason) and im just soooo tired!!

Im so sick of everything being the same.

I decided today that I am no longer enabling my roommate. She is going to have to start buying her own stuff. And if she can't afford it then she needs to get a job. She says that she has applied everywhere but not the places where she would kill someone. She has a problem with keeping her mouth shut. But that's all part of growing up. Something she obviously hasn't dont yet. Just because you don't live with mommy and daddy anymore doesn't mean you are all grown up. Trust me...I am no where near!!!!

Man I wish I had a crate for my puppy...I really want Hachi to be in the room with me. I hate leaving him downstairs. I feel like he bonds to my roommate more when that happens, but all of my treatments are up here. And after a while I have to go to bed and get some sleep.

God I am tired.

Physically, emotionally, mentally.

And I am lonely.

I had a great time with Kayla the little bit she was here. It definitely wasn't enough. I was in a super huge funk Monday after she left. Life is just way easier with her here. I am going to try and be a little more understanding of her bf. I don't like him, or the way he treats her. but she is happy and thats the important part.

I need more friends here in my city. I have lots of friends, they just seem to not bere here in my city to hang out with. Not that I really have time. In between work and school I am crazy busy.

I'd love to meet a decent guy to, one that ain't too clingy, or needy, or jealous, one that is gorgeous, funny, likes me. haha all the nice guys seem to be super needy, and I just can't handle that right now. I don't have the time for needy. It would be so nice to have someone though. I miss having a boyfriend. I don't miss any of the drama involved, but having that special someone was always nice.

and I want to move on to the next chapter of my life. Get married, have kids. Do all fo that beforeI get too sick not too... I don't want ot miss out on anything.

i dont want to miss out on anything in the phase that I am at either. I am almost twenty one. I should be out celebrating life! I should be going out all the time with a group of friends living and enjoying life, and not taking a single second for granted. ?but I dont have that group of friends anymore. Which absolutely sucks. I miss having a group of friends to go out and do stuff with. That was something that was good about high school. you have your set group of friends.

o well. I think its time for bed for me. I am beat and my eyes keep closing. I got my homework done for today and that I am thankful for!

Monotony

Does anyone else ever have the problem where every day feels like the one before?

Day in and day out its always the exact same routine. It's so tiring and boring.

What happened to my exciting life?! I mean don't get me wrong I absolutely love my life.

I have an amazing job, an amazing house, an even better roommate...Plus all of our children.

But lord have mercy if it isn't all the same day after day after day!

I am getting so bored with my life. It makes me want to do something...different...exciting...thrilling!

Like maybe another tattoo...or get my nose pierced...I dont even know I just want something new!!!

Maybe I'm just getting burned out at work. It has been a bit stressful lately.

And home life with a bunch of animals and tons of messes (which currently cant be helped) is always stressful too.

My health is not where it usually is either.

Money is super tight right now too...which it would be nice if it wasnt so that I could have a little leway to do something that I enjoy.

IDK I guess i am jut burnt out.

How do you even get un burnt out?

I know I used to go buy new clothes or get a new piercing or a new book...but being broke i cant do that.

How do you renew life on a budget?! hahaha

On a happier note, Megan is coming into town this weekend and Kayla is coming next weekend. I can not WAIT to see them both. Esp Kayla. I AM SOOOO EXCITED!

<3

Breathe in and Breath out...

This past week has been crazy. Absolutely crazy.

It started off with last sunday (technically saturday..but didnt check mail till sunday)when I received paperwork from my hospital saying that they were taking my tax return to pay for bills from when I was 8...and i had no idea these bills existed.

Then Kody got engaged and that just didnt bode well.

Then my car decided that it would be fun to break down.

And then Franklin got sick...

And through all of this...my best friend didnt want to really talk to me about it. All I needed was just to vent and talk about all that was going on...and it seemed like she didnt want to hear it...just a bunch of one word responses...and that made me feel really shitty...esp since her boyfriend does not like me...im super worried that he is gonna influence her to not talk to me anymore...and i dont want that. I mean ... I know her life is super busy ... but we used to talk about everything and now we arent...i guess thats how long distance friendships go? idk ive just felt super lonely this week... (and i know your gonna read this kayla...i sent you a letter about it...im super tired of texting...and i know you are too...and that might be the problem. neither of us have time for long phone conversations... :/ )

With a lot of the people I hang out with...its like i cant ever talk talk about myself. it always has to go back to them. and sometimes I just wanna talk about me.

I wanna talk about whats going on in my life. Things with boys...or how im feeling about the weather...or how im feeling in general. So I guess you people on my blog will be my venting people.

First off...im not sleeping well. I have no been sleeping well for a while now...but this week has been especially bad. My mood is starting to get really bad...my appetite is gone...its just not good. i seem to have no problem getting to sleep (right now) but staying asleep and feeling rested are a different story...i feel so super tired all the freakin time. its like...the worst thing ever.

And not sleeping well is making me want to kill certain people. Like Eddy. This boy is driving me insane.

His (pretty much) best friend is now dating my roommate...so its like a me, Jonathan, Ramon, and Kristen thing all over again...anyway...the other night we had this whole...where is this relationship going talk...and we didnt decide anything b.c i fell asleep (he decided to bring it up at 1 o clock in the morning after i had already been asleep...bad timing...and it was in person...but i was not sleeping with him...i had fallen asleep at the kitchen table...we had all had a big meal...the 4 of us) but i had thought that i had made it perfectly clear that I did not want a relationship and that I wanted to focus more on being friends. but I do not think that that went through his brain. Though I definitely do not act that interested...he still does things like kiss me or rub my leg things like that...even though i make it obvious i dont want him doing that...i dont think he is too bright? or maybe is worried about it being awkward with lauren and aaron if we were just friends. idk i think it would be more awkward if we tried to date. esp since he is getting on my nerves.

but last night! omg...i wasnt feeling good and had gotten like no sleep the night before...he had taken me home from trivia (my cars still in the shop...OMG talk about stressful) and when we got hom aaron was trashed so they pretty much went straight to bed when we got home. well laurens room is a loft...so you can hear what goes in in the living room. needless to say ... I wanted to go to bed. But Eddy would not leave.... he was making awkward comments to them two while things were going on... and im sitting at the table telling him that I want to go to bed...that im not feeling well...please leave. and he would not leave. it was like he wanted to listen to them two ... or sit on the couch awkwardly... i guess i could have just gone to bed...but that seemed really weird. idk...than he came over to the table (i wouldnt go sit on the couch with him) and just stared at me...come on dude...thats creepy. then he started saying that i should go to bed...then leave and let me!!! god...

and i want to be friends with this guy...but he is starting to drive me insane. the four of us have a lot of fun as a group...but its just not a good thing for me and him to be dating. i am no where near any place in my life for a serious relationship and that is what he is looking for. he has no other choice. he has a son that is 10 years old. thats half my age. im closer to his sons age than to his. its really weird.

so thats that....

and then... my dad.

He has been extremely helpful when it comes to my car not working this past week...picking me up and taking me to work. But every time I see him we have the same conversation...hows school...when are you going to make more money...is your mom going to help you out at all.

I mean come on...it should not matter to him if my mom is going to help me or not. just like it shouldnt matter to her. but to them...its a competition. and it drives me insane...if i need help with something...than it should not matter if one parent is gonna help me more than the other...your focus should just be on helping me!!! and while i am completely grateful for the help that they have given me...its sooo stressful for there to be competitions every time ... and its like there is no other way for my dad.

Moms gotten a lot better at not doing it.

My mom. She has been completely awesome!!! I got to see her on Saturday night...and on Sunday. and Tuesday =) She has been a great source of stress relief for me this weekend. I love her oobers much. And I know that we have our problems and are still working on them...but I feel like we are doing really well.

I miss my sisters =( It seems like we never hear from Nicole anymore... I found out that my BIL is going to Africa from my dad...which is super weird. And Della and I try to talk at least once every other day. I miss those two. I wish I had time to go see them...but I've got to work. Gotta work to make money to pay the bills. lol

So I think that that is the gist of whats been driving me nuts lately...Im sure after I post this Ill find other things. lol

Thanks for listening anonymouse people of the internet = )

Screw people.

Back in 2009 i get really sick and decided that it would be better for my health if i quit my job and focused on my health and finishing school.

During that I applied for disability.

I was told that I had too much money in the back and was told that I needed to spend it and save the receipts showing that I spent it (was not allowed to just take it out of the bank)

Did that...and still denied. I was told that I was too healthy.

What the hell.

I have Cystic Fibrosis.

Last I checked there was no cure and that its gonna kill me.

So basically what the government is telling us is that people who dont need it can get it but the people that actualy need it are either denied or have to go through so much shit to get it.

Today (technically yesterday) I received a letter from my hospital saying that because of outstanding bills the NCDOR has taken my state tax return and given it to UNC to pay off my debt to them.

Woah.

What debt!?

I have paid for everything that my insurance didnt cover...

I should not have had any debt.

Looking over the description of the bills...

1rst account - yr 2000
2nd- 2005
3rd-2009
4th- 2009
5th- 2009

so the bills that they took my money for were from 3-12 years ago.

How can this be rigth?!?! no one ever told me that I had any bills.

I had not received any notices.

Why is our government allowed to just take my hard earned money and place it towards bills that are from ages ago?!?!? I wasnt even 18 at the time of the bills!!!

If someone had even told me about these bills I would have paid them. but no. they decided that it would be way more fun to be all like... SURPRISE you dont get your money! haha stupid bitch...think she can get her money.

omg.

can someone please tell me that this is not our government.

that this is not my hospital.

And whats worse is that there is probably nothing that I can do about it.

Im never going to see that money. Money that I had to pay for. Sounds crazy...but state taxes arent free to get done.

This is so fuckin stupid.

I am so upset over this. How is this fair?!?! I am a good citizen...I pay my bills on time. I pay all of my shit to UNC. They should have just called me or sent me a bill for these.

But you know what?!? They knew that I would fight them b.c of how old they are. maybe not the 2009 ones...but the ones from 2005 and 2000? yeah those should not be there. and why they hell would they not send me bills?!?! they send me my co pays and all the other ones all the time. they repeat and repeat and repeat until I pay them...

I just dont understand.

Why does this have to happen to me?!

I mean sure its just money and in the long run it aint that important...but what other bills are they going to make up later on down the road and screw with me again?!?!

How can I trust my hosiptal?!? The place that takes care of me...

All I know is that if this doesnt get fixed im switching hospitals. I dont want to...but if they are going to continuously fuck me over... I want nothing to do with UNC.

UGH

I really hate this...

All I seriously want to do is cry...cuddle...and cry.